Sensivity

I know im sensitive. I know i let things get to me that shouldnt bother me. 

I was surprised when you described me as that and you needed more patience with me. It upset me, like i was burdening you. You meant well i guess, but I felt bad.

I tried to not be offended by you. I really did. Just somehow your comments hurt. Your jokes got darker. I dont even know why you did them in the first place. I was going thru things and I had the feeling you wanted to pull me down.

“Have you died? Can I finally be happy?”

Was it really a joke or did you mean that? It’s not funny. 

The beginning and the signs

We were online friends for some years and one day we decided to meet up. He came to germany before xmas 2016. I just started studying near Frankfurt. I didnt expect to get together with him, but honestly…nah not in the mood to write a nice love story. Anyway we got together and started a relationship. I was crushing very hard. I liked him a lot, said “i love you” two times by accident in the first year. He didnt react. I was embarassed and never said it again. (So i did love him, but was never able to fully) month 3 into the relationship, he broke a promise and i broke up, then took him back bc you know i thought i couldnt let him go bc i should accept his decision. But he fucking damn repeated breaking promises, not only again but again and again. He promises and then takes it back when it doesnt suit him. Why? Bc work is his top priority. Month 8 was his best friend’s wedding. I hinted a few times to him to tell his friend he got a gf. (Ofc in hope i might get invited) He never did. I tried to be ok to not go to the wedding but few days before i told him that i was not ok with it. What did he do? Accused me of wanting to steal the spotlight of the bride and that it was wrong to invite myself in. Like he thought that low of me. Stealing someone’s day to shine and so ruthless. I wanted to prevent of him saying that. I cried. I mean isnt that normal to bring your partner to a wedding? 

And he didnt tell his parents he had a gf. They knew he was visiting someone several times and asked him about it. Month 6 i was in england and he went to visit his parents. He made me stay one night in a hostel in london instead of letting me stay at his place or tag along. His reason “all my relatives are there. Its not the right time. You will be overwhelmed” i just accepted this instead of fighting. 

If he had a normal girl, she would have broken up with him long time ago. All this bullshit and i was so dumb back then. So anyway xmas was not with his family coz same reason as before, i came 1 day after. He whined that i invited myself in. Made me feel ashamed. But srsly why wouldnt he introduce me to them? He wanted to wait for the right time, but when would that be? After the visit he complained to me that his family thought i was quiet and they were worried. It got me mad. Bc he fucking made me feel sth was wrong with me and that i talked lots of crap, so i was so scared to say something wrong, so i talked little. Fucking brick. 

Do you see now why i shouldnt be in a relationship? Im a fucking pushover all my life.

I dont know whats wrong with him. He had some weird fears and issues. He didnt trust me. He complained a lot. He was always so grumpy and negative. He said dont lie when i said he was handsome. He had gotten better over the years and his next gf will have it so much easier than me. Somewhere he sees what he did wrong, but i wished when i uttered my discomfort, he would have done sth about it instead of shoving it to the side. He admits that im mostly right but he still fights me. Then why you fight me, dude? 

It felt so right when we got together but slowly turned so wrong. He was unhappy with me from the start. Coz you know i tend to be goofy and retarted. Just joking around doing silly things. I changed my behaviour for him. Here a cringe story. When we were walking in the town at night holding hands, i turned around to kiss him, then walked, then turned to kiss again, then again and again. Then he got pissed. I guess this was annoying, but i just felt like doing so. 

When i cooked food for him to bring to work, he said no thx. Coz im dumb and stubborn, i did it few more times and each time he turned it down. Really wished he just took it with him and threw it in the trash. I just really wanted to do something nice for him, but yeah he didnt want this which i should have respected. This is a disastrous relationship. It was working bc i made it work. 

We were just too different people, i guess. We did have good times and all. Not going into that, not in the mood. Im processing it. I do miss him and wish things went differently. I was devastated when i ended it bc my future plans with him ended too. I didnt see the bad things back then, but they slowly creep in and then you know you did the right thing when you ended them.

Like each time he got a hair cut, i was pissed. I told him i hated his hair cut. He never bothered to get another one. He said he wanted this one coz it was low maintenance and practical. Doesnt he want to look good for me?

My relationship and what went wrong

I dont like to talk about this bc its none of your concern, but anyhow you kinda have a play in it. You said that I was unhappy and suffering. It got me thinking. Nobody has ever said this before, but also I never really told anybody the absolute truth. 

Our relationship was dead. We just didnt see it. We were about to break up sooner or later. Do you remember how I talked about it? I talked as if i was the person in the wrong, that i keep him blinded and wasting his life when he was the one doing that to me. 

I was suffering so much and just sucked it up bc I wanted it to work. And you weren’t there when I was thinking things thru and deciding what to do. You were puking on the toilet coz mother gave you bad food and the next day you went to bed early while I was calling the ambulance for father. You didnt hear my arguments. The next day you even told me not to break up when we had like a 5-10 min talk before you went to work. 

I wanted to break up bc I got so mad about the things he did to me. He demanded things from me that i couldnt fulfill. His love was conditional. As the years progressed, I got jealous of people who just met, got married in a year and have a baby the next. Why can they do it, but he cant? 

For sure, he liked me, but not enough. He didnt change his routine for me. At the beginning told him to text me good morning, he said “too busy rushing into work”. During work no text coz he dont use phone at work, too distracting while his colleagues do. Only in the evening we would talk 1-3h, weekend same coz he got things to do. It was like i was and wasnt in a relationship. It didnt change over the years. And look this would work if two independent very busy people were in a long distance together, but i needed more. He was never willing to give it to me, only got pissed. It was also effort to get him to visit me. Like once the plan was for me to come and he would join back with me to germany. Then he changed his mind. I started crying bc i was so disappointed. I got him to go. Then it happened again. This time i didnt cry. I just stayed quiet and let it pass. 

I begged him crying to have a pause or sth, but he didnt want, if we part, it would be a break up. There was no coming back. The plan was for him to move to germany bc i cant bc i needed to finish education. He should have moved to germany 2 years into the relationship latest, but he did nothing. Literally nothing. Not even starting to learn german. I looked into jobs for him, found him the most perfect job. He loved it. He did not apply. I begged him. Look just send the application. He said “soon soon” always “soon soon” instead he applied for some internal job that would send him to america. I asked him “what about us then?” He was like “uhm maybe we would have to get married” like he thought i would abandon my studies and just move. He was selfish, just thought of himself. We were not a team. 

I dont know why he kept me around. We should have broken up way sooner. Instead we were together for 4 years and 8 months. A clear sign that i wasnt important was when he had a visit of a female friend. The day before he told me about it. It was planned and he forgot to tell me. I am ok with visits or do whatever, but why not tell me earlier? 

I was too lenient and understanding. I just took it. I did ultimatums that he broke. He never faced consequences, only a whining girlfriend. He is the type of guy who lives for work and work only. I used to make a joke that his work is his wife, his hobby building robots is his mistress and i come third. It stuck to my head and now i can see how sad i actually was. 

I cried so much, was stuck at home and wished to be with him. I really spend weeks at a time not leaving the house bc i was so sad. He knew and still i was the one to blame bc i did nothing with my life. 

You see. Just a bad bad relationship. 

Last time we spoke about him, i told you he wasnt so bad coz it seemed you thought he was shit. I told you “no he is nice. He let me live at his house and paid for everything” you said i was using him. By the time he finally let me live with him, something that i had wanted for a very long time, i was so broken. Idk just so defeated, i couldnt function well. He let me come to england bc else we would have broken up. At least we finally got to live together somehow before we broke up. 

I see this relationship as a big waste of time sometimes bc we should have ended sooner, but we had nice moments here there. He was pulling me down with his inability to move to germany.

He said he was afraid to not find a job, to lose the new job, get unemployed, debts, not being able to integrate to new culture, language barriere, new environment scary. He wasnt willing to take a risk.

Ya maybe if i had continued the relationship, he would have moved to germany or probably not. When i broke up, i was so mad, even if he had moved to germany next week, i would still have broken up. I was so mad that he kept me around and dragged my mental health down and blamed it on me. I did everything i could, but it was never good enough for him.

Why married women cheat

When you told me about this, I got sad and didnt know what to say. I mean I knew my opinion, but wasnt sure how to say it without risking that you would look at me in a bad light. Bc the truth is ugly. I was afraid that you would think badly of me. I hate saying ugly things.

I want to say nice things and act as if everything is fine.

Nothing is fine. Pls dont judge me. I mean ugh you think im the worst, cant get any worse xD

People are shit. They are shallow, selfish and weak. Deep inside I know it, but i kept making excuses why, like they dont want to feel bad, they have their reasons, they have their faults. 

I always looked at people in a better light to be able to tolerate them. I stop with that now. I shouldnt make up excuses when nobody would go easy on me. People have treated me like shit and I just took it. 

Anyway back to the topic. You told me about two women who were willing to leave their husbands for you. You were shocked. Back then I didnt tell you my take bc i was in a project and didnt want to talk about it bc there were people around. I didnt want them to hear me. Some who passed looked weird when they heard me say stuff to you. Also, like I said, it made me sad. I felt sorry that you had to experience this. Nobody should to be put in a situation like this. Overall it’s not a big deal, but somehow it hurts that people would cheat. If you are unhappy, then just be honest and leave the relationship. You shouldn’t stay and when the opportunity arises, hop into another. But people do that…

Here is an example that I have experienced. There was some girl. Yeah was some project somewhere shut up. I experienced her cheating and I was so mad. It started with idiot guy saying “out of everybody here, you are the most beautiful” my mind said “thanks brah” then later on they started cuddling. She noticed our gazes and said “dont worry guys. I like cuddling. I like cuddling with you, too. Its just he is a man. I like man’s body” we knew she had a boyfriend and the atmosphere turned weird. I was so mad inside, but said nothing. I was waiting for her to say something. Ofc they started kissing in front of us. I just saw red. I talked to the others to hear what they thought. They said “well their business. Why do you care? It got nothing to do with you” I felt so lonely in that situation, everybody knew it was wrong, but nobody cared. Nobody saw it was fucking WRONG. I even cried when i was outside walking alone. I wondered why couldnt they resist. She had a bf and he still went for her. I wondered why. I dont even know who is more at fault. She must have had low self esteem that she let it happen. And he is just a horny jerk with no morals. I couldnt confront them bc i didnt feel i was in my right. I treated them badly. I was just so mad how dare they. Well they didnt bother to confront me and we parted on bad terms. I dont care. Well, Im lying. I wished they confonted me. I didnt want to confront them bc i would have been yelling. I dont want to meet anybody of that project ever again. They were all shit. Other shit happened, too. 

This, I havent told this to anybody bc it looks so insignificant, but sometimes it crosses my mind. It grosses me out that I had to watch this. 

Women and also men cheat bc theyre trash. Not all cheat. They are rare, but if some people, I dont know how many, have the chance and wouldnt get caught, they do cheat. I dont know why, but i guess bc its fun, excitement and bc they can? People dont want to be good. They want to take advantage of others. They use people. Who knows what it is theyre missing. They wanna keep their safety cushion while going out and having fun. They dont have a conscious. I know and i dont know why people cheat. Something is missing and they seek it in others? 

When you said “all women cheat” i wanted to say “thats not true. I dont cheat” 

ive been in situations when i had the chance to cheat. I never acted on it. In my mind its not worth it. I know how it is to get cheated on. Its like “what did i do to deserve this” you feel worthless. I get to this later somewhere. I couldnt forgive myself if i ever cheated. 

Some guy that i thought i was becoming friends with, one day he hinted “you ‘n’ me why dont we…nobody would know” sth like this. Honestly i dont remember. I was raging inside. I laughed it off and giggled “no thank you” it felt like i just got slapped, but nvm

Intro

I have wanted to do this for awhile. This useless thing of writing stuff and letting you have access to it. I have done mistakes when I wanted to do everything right. I‘m not good at anything. That‘s why our friendship failed. I‘m just bad. 

Please don‘t get offended if you ever read this. This is just my side how I feel. By the time you read this, you know, like in few years up to 10 or more or never, I might not be around. I will make sure there won‘t be any trace and you will never know. We are all on the internet and anonymous. 

When we talked for the first time properly, the Big Talk, I was really surprised by you. I was overwhelmed and things moved way too fast. It was just a big switch from bad to good person. There are things that I didn‘t get to say because I didn‘t have the chance to. I wanted to, but we had a fight. So Im going this way and also analyzing, bringing back and while doing so getting over things. 

I dont feel good. Im kinda lost. Im losing my cool. Im so easily irritated. And this is stupid and i might regret it, but who cares. What matters really? Nothing really. Id appreciate it if you dont share this blog with anyone, but if you do, then do as you please bc i dont care

Im done caring bc everything that i care for turns to shit. I tried so hard with you, more than I want to admit, but Im admitting shit now, so its out and has a place to live. The thoughts, should have, could have, would have blabla have been haunting me for such a long time. I could just write them down and leave it be, but I want to share with you. Share even if its useless. 

Bc its so sad when there are things to be said, but they never get said. Just leaving bc it hurts/upsets so much. I dont want this. I dont want to keep hurting myself with this. And I know I have no access to your attention. It‘s over. It‘s just..I have done this before. It hurt like hell in the end. So this is a new approach.

It will be a lot and I try to make it sound as entertaining as possible. I dont know how it goes. I wont let you, the reader, misunderstand me. It will be in topics, a mess, up and down whatever. Whatever it is, I will give it meaning.