**those women**
when you told me about the women who would leave their husbands for you, I got sad, felt sorry that you had to experience this and didn’t know what to say. wanted to talk about this at a later time, but here we go.
thing is humans are awful creatures, they just are. theyre selfish. I don’t believe people are really in love. they love what their partners can give. for women, its security aka money. for men, its mainly beauty.
cheating men go to great lengths just to fuck hot women, leading a double life. they shower them with gifts, words and what not.
those women who would leave their partners see something in you that they want, that they partner cant give them. deep down theyre unhappy and we are all kinda chasing happiness. that’s my conclusion.
ive seen a woman cheat right in front of my eyes and it got me so mad. was a project. it started with the guy said “of all the women here, xy is the most beautiful” I was thinking “thanks bro” then they started hugging and she was like “guys, I like to cuddle you all, too, but I like cuddling him more bc he has a manly body” then later they started kissing in front of me, acted couply, didn’t explain, like did she break up with her bf?! I lost all my respect for them. I was hostile towards them and they noticed, didn’t confront me. I didn’t hug them goodbye. I guess she enjoyed the attention, couldn’t resist. at the end of the day she probably has no guilt bc yolo and the glimpses of short-lived happiness in her miserable life is what matters. (I asked others what they think, they were like “meh, its their business”)
I dont care that people cheat. Imo it should be kept a secret. I lose my faith in humanity when I have to witness this.
**The cheating and your ex**
when we talked about her the last time, I got so upset that I never wanted to touch this topic again. you were so hurt. I think her words “I stopped loving you a year ago, cant start loving you again” is what hurts most. she decided to keep living a lie when she should have been honest.
I wanted to tell you in order to move past this, you need to forgive her. she did a mistake, she is gone and you should be happy this relationship didn’t last longer. there was a time when she made you really happy and im really jealous of this. I don’t know how it is to be really happy. (its bad of me to say, but when we properly talked to each other for the first time, I felt happy for the very first time after a long time. felt like living up to this point in life was worth it bc I met you)
I know how it is to be cheated on. maybe I should finally admit this is my first relationship instead of calling it mistake of a relationship. he was playing a girl as revenge for his best friend. I told him to quit it, but he didn’t want. then fucked her, I cried on the phone. he said he didn’t know how it happened. Then he forgot his charger there, demanded me to pay for it or he has to get it. then fucked her a second time. this is sadly not when I called it quits. he owes me 500 euro, I paid lots of stuff for him, drove him around in car at night coz he enjoys sitting in a car and ofc there are worse shit. im very dumb in a relationship. was the third guy I had when I was 22. then ons, then exbf. good thing is it killed my interest in trying to be with (f*ck) boys. and why did I want it to work? bc I desperately wanted to get over first love and I tried so hard to be in love. this idiot wasn’t even hot or had any great qualities. first thing that gave me attention.
Here is a song you can listen to. Maybe it helps to get over your ex. *Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! at the Disco*
**my past relationship**
we had known each other for 3-4 years online, decided to meet up, he came for visit and it just clicked. felt so happy after I had given up seeking, accepted to be forever alone, but it was long distance…
and he was very independent. he didn’t like to spend time with me, wanted to do more productive things. we’d only talk in the evenings. I hear nothing of him meanwhile, told him to write me good morning at least. did a few times, then stopped. he broke promises, made me cry, criticized a lot etc. I broke up with him once in the first year and almost did it a second time. so again im very dumb and forgiving xD (at least he didn’t cheat and would never)
he made me go stay in a hostel in london 6 months in instead of letting me stay at his place or taking me to go to family gathering. reason: ”so many people. you overwhelmed meeting them all.“ also didn’t want me to join a wedding. reason: “its their wedding. you want to steal the spotlight”
oh and btw he moves to germany when its convenient for him. his excuses were “fear of unemployment, culture shock, debts, you get your life together first”
ofc we had good times too. I needed time to see the bad sides and why I actually left. I was in denial after ive broken up and was worried about him. remember you said “don’t break up”? it just seemed so sudden to you bc I didn’t discuss why.
I don’t know why he was like this at the beginning. he made me feel as if he was ashamed of me or sth.
it was hard for me to give up this relationship bc it meant losing the future I had pictured with him. it meant being alone for a very long time again, if not forever. I don’t trust people enough to get into a relationship. I don’t date. stresses me out. I thought of sterilization, too. you know im older and if I want to reach my goals, then I simply don’t have time for kids. having children freaks me out anyway bc if they ever would say “I hate you” it would break my heart.
**break up and the s++ shit**
im writing this bc im not sure its clear to you that I broke up with him bc you said that I was hurting a lot. it got me thinking, realized stuff, got me mad, so mad that I couldn’t stand being in this relationship any second longer. and we did the sexting shit. I don’t know how to talk about this bc this is really sth I don’t like to talk about it. im just so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive had chances to cheat on him and get away with it. didn’t do it bc I know if I ever cheat, I couldn’t forgive myself. I knew if I ever did it, I would have to leave. there are no excuses.
we would have broken up sooner or later anyway. I hated to be apart from him. when he finally let me live with him (he had no choice, else break up), I was so broken. I didn’t want to leave the house for weeks, didn’t want to do anything.
I told him, he said that was an honest mistake, if I did it again, thatd be cheating. this didn’t ease my mind. technically I didn’t cheat. I didn’t touch myself while writing to you. I resisted you so hard, but idk you just wanted to win over me. I don’t blame you. I could have closed discord. it made me hornier, the hornier you got. srsly dunno how you could get horny to that. never did sexting before. Sure tried, but never liked it.
and have you ever looked at me? im asian. my controlling parents didn’t let me explore anything than studying and doing what they want. I am indeed an asian stereotype. im a good girl. very obedient, submissive, nice. even geeky if you want. my father made me play tomb raider at age 8. He loves computers, so so very much. I used to play a lot. spent 200euro on in-game money. that’s nothing. others spent a fortune. you know I never told you, coz then you might think … xD nah im kidding. there was just no point talking about this past. (faked not knowing how to play among us)
**hiding it all**
I couldn’t be me from the start. my needs and wants were never acknowledged. and I know I was different early on. all my life I was always trying to fit in. I spent so much time in my head, daydreaming. already daydreamt at age 5 and being punished for basically being a kid bc kids just do things without knowing whats wrong or right. I remember things very well. my earliest memory is at age 2. even remember moving from nrw to bayern one year later.
its just easier to fit in and pretend things are cool, even though I hate them. im not a big fan of alcohol and drugs. only smoked again in september to ease the pain. I had stopped for 2 years. started at 20, started and stopped on and off. stopping is not hard. I know deep down its stupid, but it gives me comfort. so I usually stop when im doing better. its just to cope. I was drunk 1x2011, 1x2014, 2x2017 and 4x2021. usually I just get tipsy to be able to bear the people around me and ease up. and also only in company. last year at bremen project, they did drinking game, so I had no control how much to take. then I drank 2 times when I found out you deleted all messages weeks later. pain was just too big. last time was in december. convinced discord people to drink with me. ive never learnt how much alcohol I actually can take in bc my parents didn’t let me go out often. Remember the berliner beer i posted on your server? Wasnt mine, took photo of serbian’s.
I know we’re going to die anyway, but there is something inherently stupid about willingly poisoning your body.
there is no point showing the real me bc people don’t get me. they don’t get my motives. youre boring if you don’t comform and when you comform, youre kinda boring too. people get surprised. But then when i explain stuff, they dont get it. I have to talk a lot to get my point across. Am not good at explaining.
I pretend a lot, but I refuse to indulge in what people love. hearing the experiences of people is enough to have a picture.
**the ideal love**
relationships are complicated. there are expectations. people want to find the one. perfect in every way.
ive come up what the ideal love to me in my teenage years and kinda knew it doesn't work in reality.
my ideal is two people find each other, get to know and get along so well, they decide to be together. and if one of them changes their mind, itd be ok for both of them, if one goes. thats how i felt about first love. i loved him as a friend first. i thought if we ever get married, spent our lives together and i fell out of love, id still want to be with him because he was so interesting. but if we stopped being together, id still want to be his friend. even if he decided to stop contact, id be ok, too. id want the best for him.
thats what i call love. you just give without expecting anything back in return. demanding to be loved is egoistical.
and thats why im not gf material. i lose myself in relationships. for sure it has to do with my upbringing. but i also dont want to become a self-centered demanding bitch just to get what i want. i will learn how to set boundaries. something ive never learnt bc even when i tried, they were ignored. For sure i wont ever be in a relationship. Its not working for me.
all the love i ever received was conditional. people get mad when i do sth wrong, doenst matter if i do it on purpose or not. im the one who always have to give in. meanwhile i have to forgive and forget every shit.
do you know how it is to stand in front of the mirror and saying „i love you“ to yourself and crying? because i lied. i hated myself so much as a teenager. i was so sad and didnt know why. i seeked the fault in myself although it was the whole environment who was putting me down.
i used to wish to go back in time and change that i did say „i love you“ to first love, but now i wish i could change that i was never born.
**the friendship**
when i met you, i was doing really bad. was planning my suicide. first love‘s death month is september. i lost friends who stopped talking when i was doing worse. i dumped 5-6 friends bc i couldnt deal with them anymore. i was always there when they call, but they dont answer or say busy when i needed help. I just have 1-2 friends now.
anyway with you, friendship was kinda different. i was worried to write to you bc i didnt want to bother you, but you said if i felt like it, i could write to you during the day. i didnt need to ask for your attention. you just gave it to me. so many things were just easier with you than with anybody else. i wasnt scared to be judged for who i am. you could make me laugh. we talked about our problems, but not in an annoying way. my friends used to trash me with their problems, over and over again. always same shit. i get tired after talking to someone after 1h mostly, but with you it could have been a whole day and i wouldnt be tired.
i remember stuff you told me, how can i forget that?
when you told me about your mom kicking you out for a night, i asked „why didnt you tell me?“ and you said „where were you(at that time)? i said „in potsdam“ its odd. we both knew we didn’t know each other back then. why didn’t you say “well…we havent met yet, silly”?
I was overwhelmed and panicking at the beginning, bc somehow I was scared it would break. I don’t know why. we got close so fast. the second time we fought, it was bc sth was starting to be off, but I couldn’t properly voice it to you. and last time, the big blow up, I just couldn’t take your jokes anymore.
i know writing this shit is useless, but let me get over this shit my way, ok? i dont know what to do to get over this. i dunno how. somewhere i wish we never got close and just stayed on the server anyhow. talking here there. miss the time when we taught jesper how to flirt.
our friendship shouldve been what it was at the beginning, but problems occurred.
**why people get into relationships**
growing up we are told by people, movies, stories etc. how love should be. to find the other half, the one that completes us. we fight, chase, work, forgive blabla.
people don’t know how to live. theyre being told what to do. there is also no right way to live. people also like to tell others how to live. they pressure others to get into relationships because somehow its wrong to be single.
when someone says, he likes me, I feel nothing. that rarely happens bc I make sure people wont fall for me. when I was 13, neighbour asked me out. I said no. he started bullying me. when I was 15-16, like 3 internet creeps asked me, I said no, they got mad, insulted me(saying crap they rich lol) and blocked. the dynamic somehow is guys are “allowed” to get mad.
normal people somehow get interested, get into relationships, hope their feelings grow, stay and wait for someone better to come along or they don’t want to be alone. in your case, maybe gf stayed although she lost the feelings bc she didn’t want to hurt you, hoped feelings would come back. and yes possibly cheated, but wanted to keep you until she couldn’t pretend any longer.
also there is the aspect of benefit. you want something out of a relationship. a rich bf is just so nice. a hot gf is sth to brag about. oh and don’t forget sex -__-
personally for me its about connection. its not worth it for me to be in a relationship when its shallow. I know I could get into relationships and have all the sex I want. but why would I waste my emotions like that?
when I told you about my feelings, it was not to make you want me. you pressured me to say whats up. I didn’t know that you would have problems with knowing.
**Nice Crush and friends**
I think any kind of relationship should be about having fun together, keeping each other company, the highs and lows. When first love died, i told myself its ok. I probably wont ever meet anybody like him. I can seek his qualities in others. People who are genuinely nice, caring, interesting.
My last crush was in august 2019. We were working pouring drinks for an event in berlin. When we had a break, we were outside talking. It was a bit windy and he put his jacket over me. I said no thx, but he insisted. It impressed me bc he would have done that to anyone. (And im not so pretty) He didnt play gentleman to get anything out of me. Would have really liked to become friends with him, but was too shy to ask for his number. Its all good. I like to keep this as a nice memory.
Attraction works different with me. You can be the hottest shit, but once you cross a border, you turn into a trash can. Remember me sending you the pic of the 2 guys n me in bremen. the girls were drooling over the italian. I could see that the he was good looking, but i didnt get why. So i went up to them and started trashing them. Dunno why, maybe i missed trashing you. They found me hilarious, like „awww this adorable lil asian chick is trying to hit on us” they said “do you want to come watch us shower together?” Pissed me off, then realized it was my doing and just let them be happy whenever they saw me.
People like to keep (boy/girl)friends around, so they have emotional support animals. People use people. Im sick and tired of that. You have to find the right people. I find it hard myself, but you know people are gathered around you when youre fun, but once you show your sad side, they run away immediately. Happened to me too often.
People dont want to deal with your problems. They want you to deal with theirs.
I never felt like we were using each other. I mean I hope you see it the same way.
Serbians and stuff
I know why i was jealous. It was weird feeling jealous bc usually i never feel jealous. Killed this feeling early on coz others always had more than me. My parents refused to buy me stuff coz scared i might get spoilt.
It felt like a threat when you told the serbians your name and ask for insta. I gave you reasons, but none of them are entirely true. Its the fact that you told them your name before i knew and you never asked me. Else i wouldnt care.
I asked you “how should i call you” you said “well you’ve always called me josh”
I gave jesper my insta when you were in vc.
Asking serbian to talk to you was not easy. I dont like to ask ppl for favors and he seemed annoyed. Asked why. He only talked to you bc he saw how important it was to me, not bc he was a nice person. And thanks to YOU, i had to talk about YOU to him. I gave vague answers, but he kept asking. So had to be honest. He told me good luck and he had made a friend similar to this. First he hated that person and now he is one of his best friends. Also after your departure, he said “unblock him. If he comes back and wants to talk, give him the chance”
serbian girl also asked about you and said “oh do you want me to write him? I can tell him i didnt see his request and try to help” also she didnt accept you coz serbian said dont. I was surprised, asked why. He said this is not right, you shouldnt have asked.
When i talked to gino about you, i was sad, didnt understand your behaviour, didnt go into much detail. I just wanted an explanation and what best to do. He offered his help, said he didnt mind to get blocked. He promised to not read the message. I know it went bad bc i found out he blocked me days after. It was never my intention to involve him in anyway and also told him we would never talk about this again. Yes and i was dumb and in pain, ok? I just wanted to stop crying and be over it. It was a mistake that made everything worse and i dont feel a sorry would work
**part2**
About jesper. Well he did everything himself. Yea i told him, but i didnt ask him to do anything. I thought couldnt get any worse, but it did. I told him i asked to get back on server. He went to you to ask the same and you were like “If she wants to talk, she should come to me. Tell her that”
Got me confused, what did i do? Why do you tell him youre open to talk when youre not? I would have never written you if he hadnt said anything. I know how much i hate it when someone writes me when im mad, so i know you feel the same. What could i have possibly written to have you talk to me anyway?
Its not fair bc when i didnt want to talk, you made me. I was so upset, so incredibly upset I cried. This actually first time i cried. And I never wanted to talk to you again, but you were like “if ppl dont respond to me, it makes me feel bad. My ex did that to me. Gives me anxiety”
You said “express yourself. send, dont feel ashamed or embarrassed. Its just me c’mon” and then you made me feel exactly that. So immensely disgusted with myself for what ive written. Went for walk to ponder, didnt help, wrote shit down, couldnt send. Then you made me talk.
It went seemingly well, but only bc i wasnt ready to talk. It was basically me summarizing what ive written and you explaining how you felt, why this that bla, but you didnt hear how i felt. I was just glad that i didnt embarrass myself more. You must have thought i was “only” upset i wouldnt get sex. It was not that.
I dont fantasize about ppl. If i do, then its just for few min maybe. Being horny for you freaked me out bc i never had that before. Its first time i properly thought of fucking someone. You were acting as if I was forcing you to get married to me. You said I was too old and we are at diff life stages. I was like wtf. Im at a life stage of an 18 year old. And you made me feel really old.
My horniness got killed, yes, but it didnt die. It just crept up to my heart and few days letter, i had heartache.
**Ugly**
Few days later you said like “actually i thought about someone else when i came” made me lie shortly after about sth dont remember. You made me feel really ugly with this, but i didnt know at that time.
I dont think im pretty. All my life ive been ignored, being told ugly and all. My friends told me, i was ugly and i should be happy theyre friends with me. If guys are interested, then only to try exotic meat. Hate asian fetish.
Somehow i made you tell me that i wasnt ugly, that i was fine, Asians look good. I knew you were lying bc you didnt say anything what about my features were good. You just wanted to make me feel better.
I wondered afterwards what was that. Why did i show him this insecurity? I dont do this usually.
Sooo imagine you sext with someone, she says no, you tell her how much you want her, she kinda gives in, then next day you tell her “ahem actually i was thinking of someone else…” would you have said that to a really hot chick? Yeah exactly that.
Ive noticed that my behaviour was diff with you than others. When you werent around and some had their cams open, id join in. I sent others pics of myself but when it comes to you, i was more reluctant. Wanted to send you a pic to ask if my left or right brow looks better bc they are not same. Somehow couldnt do it.
I know im not your type. Looks and personality wise. The least i wanted you to do was to view me as a good friend. Thats why i was trying so hard. You shat over everything I did and liked. I didnt want you to criticize my face.
Figured this out later ofc. And this is how you do self therapy. Some things seem like not much and irrelevant, get stuck in your brain and you put the pieces together like a puzzle. Then you get the big picture.
I felt humiliated. Someone made me think i was hot and then he was so disgusted he had to come out with the truth and tell me… wasnt it enough to tell me no to sex? Did you have to tell me this? Coulnt you forget?
**The disgust and the dark**
Back to the letter. Like i said I was different. In my teenage days, i never understood what they meant when they said his voice is so hot or got excited when someone comes around the corner. A classmate hung a men’s calendar on the wall and i thought weird. My friend was envious about my driving instructor and i was confused, coz he aint hot. Yea good looking, but he was complaining about his gf a lot. I thought “why dont you just break up?”
When i was at a hostel, a guy took his shirt off, i blushed and left the room. I was 24 xD im more virgin than you.
I dont have the visual stimulation. Asian upbringing. Must stay virgin till marriage, first bf after uni. My father got mad at me when i started dressing bit revealing and make up. Like a tiny lil bit of skin. And we had to close our eyes when people kissed in movies as kids.
So i had real naughty thoughts for the first time. And ya was mistake to send to you. Should have kept to myself and tried to masturbate to you. Im sorry whatever i wrote, must have traumatized you. I dont remember exactly what obscene stuff i wrote. The letter was supposed to be an appreciation letter. I was overwhelmed after the big talk and needed to write stuff down. It just turned out weird bc of the sex stuff.
And i regret that night. I really do. It was not worth it. Hate everything about it, hate the most that i liked it. You fed into my kink. A kink that i have never told anyone before. I cant tell anyone. Its dangerous.
Figured out why i have it. Its basically bc nobody ever paid attention to me growing up and later on. Its just the feeling to be wanted, to be so irresistable the other person has no choice, but to take you. Its just so hot when you say no and the guy ignores it bc he cant help himself and loses control.
I was serious about everything i wrote. When i said you were too big and other stuff, i meant it. I wasnt playing hard to get. I really couldnt masturbate to you it weirded me out.
**The disgust and the dark 2.0**
I asked you several times if you were serious ud fuck me. Wish you said the truth. Would ruin everything, but at least i knew what was up.
I screenshotted the whole thing. Soo yeah i know how exactly what was written. Maybe was mean of me. I was just shocked at myself, somehow wanted my written stuff gone, didnt think about if you might find out. i was ashamed. I know you know bc you made a comment „i dont delete messages“
Ive never been this horny before and i could „forget“ as long as you were around. When you were gone and i was crying, somehow i started to be horny again. Hated it.
And im telling you this bc we are no longer friends. Wanted to keep this a secret. I did get horny again, randomly here there in berlin project. Once we had a session and should concentrate on sth, but i was just thinking about sex, dont remember what exactly. My head was dizzy, nah didnt think about doing you. When you did a specific accent, it got me wet. When i revealed to you i was lying about serbians saying you were gay, you said „bitch“ and i got insta wet and all i could think about was sitting on you. Then i went to toilet, saw that it soaked thru, cried a bit, changed panties.
I didnt let myself think about it out of respect. And i couldnt tell you. I was scared you would stop talking to me. You told me about a girl from bulgaria or sth who was hot after you and you had to block her. I didnt want that.
I tried so much to make this work, but its useless.
Meanwhile upper dupper josh goes „you are a cougar. You like younger guys“ and „you wrote ud do dis dat to me“ and „but the sex stuff“ i said „forget it“ idk what was bothering you, but you cant just throw them at me. It freaks me out. And no im not into younger guys. I have lots of passion for you, sure, but young or old, it shouldnt matter.
The chemistry
Honestly didnt know what i was doing when i started attacking you. I remember the beginning with saying being 47 bc you said you were 47. then memory loss. I dont remember a single thing i said to you. The closest i remember was i said sth really bad, was shocked it came out of my mouth, scared of reaction and you just laughed. Now i know my primal instincts took over. I tried, i really tried to quit this behaviour. Ofc wondered, but couldnt figure it out. Said to you the worst and most disgusting stuff i could think of.
I was reckless, didnt care what i was doing bc you pissed me off so much and i didnt know why. And how would i know how i flirt? I dont flirt. I dug deep how i interacted with guys and then i remembered i was like this when i was 12-14 to someone. It was a crush. We would tease each other a lot until i got hurt, then he tried to be friends (which got ruined by my lovely friends coz they talked trash to him about me)
Our behaviour transferred into the sexting shit. You going after me and me resisting. You really just made me hornier and hornier. And it was you who offered the d first. Sure i didnt have myself under control, but i never said anything like i wanted to fuck you. I really meant it when i said „you know im sad too, but in this reality, there is no way that i will ever screw you“ bc in a way its sad. I was insanely horny and it felt you just needed to poke me and i would cum. I felt like throwing myself at your feet, letting you do whatever you want with me bc whatever it is, id like it bc it turns me so on to turn you on.
Before sexting shit, i was just horny, after that, i wanted to fuck you. But lets be realistic mkay? The chances of sex were close to zero. Once my horniness went down, id realize it was not a good idea. I cant just meet up some guy from the internet and fuck like that. Id chicken out. Besides i dont know what youre capable of. I never had rough hardcore sex before, only bit harder.
**the chemistry 2.0**
So id be too scared anyway. It would be too much. Youd break me. I dont know what id be comfortable with. And you seem so extreme that you would just go all in and have your way with me. While its nice that you would lose control, it would be just too overwhelming for me. When we did the sexting, i was relieved we werent in the same room bc i wouldnt be able to resist much. And your size ugh. There is something so fulfilling and satisfying to take it all in, but it feels so uncomfortable until i get used to it.
We would have needed to get ourselves better. Then there are other factors. Maybe you wouldnt be attracted to me at all and vice versa. I have to at least like the guy, like know him, get along with him etc. and nah i wont try to find someone to fuck me just bc you confirmed my kink.
I could imagine fucking you bc i know the good and bad about you. If i try to get to know someone, he would hide his bad sides. So it takes a lot more time. A lot time and effort for maybe good sex. Also he needs to be into it. But why am i even talking about this? I dont have time for this shit and am too scared it would go wrong anyway.
You will always be a fantasy. Ngl very annoyed with my body still. I dont enjoy wanking to you. I just do it bc else im going crazy. I havent come to you yet, maybe never will. Its just hard. You also gave me kinks, i was never into dirty talking and you were so aggressive ugh.
Remember when i told you i wrote a guy and he was up to fuck me. I only did that bc i was curious. You seemed pissed. The day after i told him i changed my mind and i am scared that would ruin our friendship. Few days later i told you that before i fell asleep. That time when i stayed up till 6 and had to wake up 1h later. This another reason why we cant fuck.
When you left, i thought i was in „love“ again. I was about to figure them out and then everything was a mess again.
