15.feb

There are no things to be solved

Only sorrows to onion

I didnt know this union

Involved unresolved

Im tryna to let go

When there was nvr anything to hold

We breath, we die

In a way our convos

Keep on going in my head

Only the curiosity once there

Gone

Your laugh, so addicting

Your madness, quite scary

My sadness, hidden

I wish to die

When i got closer

I realize

It is to matter (at last)

I want to pack you in sth really small

So i could hide it in the depths of my soul

Is it bc you became so precious or?

Is it bc you are so hurtin..

I know somewhere, 

Without ever wanting to admit,

I love you.

And that is why i tried so hard

To prevent.

I was truthful

From the start

But i did not help

Bc talking

I really hate talking

Let it all out, you said

Without realizing

Others have ponds

While I, well, I

Have oceans.

Inward we go

Outward 

There‘s no room

I adore you

Like a little pocket

Unseen

We are not meant to be.

And I, in my little voice, say:

Thats not true. Else we would have not met.

It would have been a challenge

But doesnt every challenge come with a reward?

Letting go is hard for me

Bc letting in never happens

The demons left me

When you opened up.

When you left

They came for me…

As if there was no escape

As if your protection was

Just a disguise to be

I once found sth really really great.

And i got so confused.

Like is this too real to be truth?

I wanted to leave

I stayed

So you left

Once this sadness leaves me

You will, for real, leave me

So i ask: what am i holding on?

So I wonder: are all my efforts for nothing?

I mean getting rid of this,

Is there any effort required?

I was naked

For the very first time

Yet you saw me fully clothed.

Why dont you trust me

That i can handle

Dont you trust yourself?

(Not) Meant to be

Is just a way to give sense

Into sth that bears no sense

When in reality..

We just fucking give up.

I know I love

When I dont want to

Bc I want the best

If the best for you

Is to be without me

Then its the best

I cant tell you in words

Its plain platonic

Like vanilla ice cream

But no matter how HARD I say it

You dont believe

Bc your ego,

In your fucking daydreamy ego,

EVERYone, I mean each and every one

Has to want you

And by your side, that is, what im willing to admit.

Id rather be your friend

There was never more that I wanted.

Thats is how far my selfishness can go.

You know and Ive always believed in this

Love is about giving

Demanding to be loved

Is vanity.

And I need to be vain.

I give and give.

I get very little to nothing 

Back

You gave without (me) asking

And that is what I loved 

About you.

We both have some sort of trauma

They manifested one way or 

They fed off each other.

We couldnt talk 

They played with each other

Gotten known too well

It was a bad time

They fought each other

Fed into

Im- to Explosion

Our inner child

Wants to be loved

I thought I found a place to be

Just didnt see the fire raging

Around us, within us, above us

Everywheeere

We‘re burnt, brah

I wonder if I lived in some kinda

Fantasy land that I wanted you to

Believe to trust when we ourselves do

Not trust. I trusted you and wanted

To be trusted bc I wanted to prove

You wrong. In the end you proved

You yourself right. Gratziiiiiii <3

I had doubts at the start

But they werent bc of you

They were bc of past events

So in a way I gave you my doubts

They became yours.

You said you sabotaged

And I thought it was all me

Bc I was suffering.

You said I was suffering bc of you

I said that was not true

Now I see.

You were right.

Partly.

The jokes

I tried to take them

The rejections

I tried to not see them

No, I was not suffering bc of you

I was suffering by your words.

I do not want to be with you

Simply I dont see

Us

I dont see us together

Not in a million, trillion years

But this is not you, its me

I dont see myself with anyone.

I dont wanna.

Besides i dont feel that way

I couldnt/cant see it back then 

Nevuh

I cant want you

Bc I never felt that way. 

The only way I see us

In another reality

In another life

As different people

There are things that drive me crazy about you.

There is just no way.

Can someone just like someone else

And its just friends?

If I can tell you about love

Idk

Love is love.

When I get over someone

I know it‘s not love?

Nah kidding

Dunno what im talking bout

What you saw in me were

Remainder of my younger self

Of all the favors, i asked you. I mean if i have ever asked you to do me a favor. Let him forget me. He wants me to die from this. He wants me to regret this all my life. And thats fine. You dont know how much i tried to forget this to the point i wish i never got close to him. Bc all this pain, its unbearable. Almost 5 fucking months and no matter how hard, whatever i do, its still so painful.