My relationship and what went wrong

I dont like to talk about this bc its none of your concern, but anyhow you kinda have a play in it. You said that I was unhappy and suffering. It got me thinking. Nobody has ever said this before, but also I never really told anybody the absolute truth. 

Our relationship was dead. We just didnt see it. We were about to break up sooner or later. Do you remember how I talked about it? I talked as if i was the person in the wrong, that i keep him blinded and wasting his life when he was the one doing that to me. 

I was suffering so much and just sucked it up bc I wanted it to work. And you weren’t there when I was thinking things thru and deciding what to do. You were puking on the toilet coz mother gave you bad food and the next day you went to bed early while I was calling the ambulance for father. You didnt hear my arguments. The next day you even told me not to break up when we had like a 5-10 min talk before you went to work. 

I wanted to break up bc I got so mad about the things he did to me. He demanded things from me that i couldnt fulfill. His love was conditional. As the years progressed, I got jealous of people who just met, got married in a year and have a baby the next. Why can they do it, but he cant? 

For sure, he liked me, but not enough. He didnt change his routine for me. At the beginning told him to text me good morning, he said “too busy rushing into work”. During work no text coz he dont use phone at work, too distracting while his colleagues do. Only in the evening we would talk 1-3h, weekend same coz he got things to do. It was like i was and wasnt in a relationship. It didnt change over the years. And look this would work if two independent very busy people were in a long distance together, but i needed more. He was never willing to give it to me, only got pissed. It was also effort to get him to visit me. Like once the plan was for me to come and he would join back with me to germany. Then he changed his mind. I started crying bc i was so disappointed. I got him to go. Then it happened again. This time i didnt cry. I just stayed quiet and let it pass. 

I begged him crying to have a pause or sth, but he didnt want, if we part, it would be a break up. There was no coming back. The plan was for him to move to germany bc i cant bc i needed to finish education. He should have moved to germany 2 years into the relationship latest, but he did nothing. Literally nothing. Not even starting to learn german. I looked into jobs for him, found him the most perfect job. He loved it. He did not apply. I begged him. Look just send the application. He said “soon soon” always “soon soon” instead he applied for some internal job that would send him to america. I asked him “what about us then?” He was like “uhm maybe we would have to get married” like he thought i would abandon my studies and just move. He was selfish, just thought of himself. We were not a team. 

I dont know why he kept me around. We should have broken up way sooner. Instead we were together for 4 years and 8 months. A clear sign that i wasnt important was when he had a visit of a female friend. The day before he told me about it. It was planned and he forgot to tell me. I am ok with visits or do whatever, but why not tell me earlier? 

I was too lenient and understanding. I just took it. I did ultimatums that he broke. He never faced consequences, only a whining girlfriend. He is the type of guy who lives for work and work only. I used to make a joke that his work is his wife, his hobby building robots is his mistress and i come third. It stuck to my head and now i can see how sad i actually was. 

I cried so much, was stuck at home and wished to be with him. I really spend weeks at a time not leaving the house bc i was so sad. He knew and still i was the one to blame bc i did nothing with my life. 

You see. Just a bad bad relationship. 

Last time we spoke about him, i told you he wasnt so bad coz it seemed you thought he was shit. I told you “no he is nice. He let me live at his house and paid for everything” you said i was using him. By the time he finally let me live with him, something that i had wanted for a very long time, i was so broken. Idk just so defeated, i couldnt function well. He let me come to england bc else we would have broken up. At least we finally got to live together somehow before we broke up. 

I see this relationship as a big waste of time sometimes bc we should have ended sooner, but we had nice moments here there. He was pulling me down with his inability to move to germany.

He said he was afraid to not find a job, to lose the new job, get unemployed, debts, not being able to integrate to new culture, language barriere, new environment scary. He wasnt willing to take a risk.

Ya maybe if i had continued the relationship, he would have moved to germany or probably not. When i broke up, i was so mad, even if he had moved to germany next week, i would still have broken up. I was so mad that he kept me around and dragged my mental health down and blamed it on me. I did everything i could, but it was never good enough for him.

Why married women cheat

When you told me about this, I got sad and didnt know what to say. I mean I knew my opinion, but wasnt sure how to say it without risking that you would look at me in a bad light. Bc the truth is ugly. I was afraid that you would think badly of me. I hate saying ugly things.

I want to say nice things and act as if everything is fine.

Nothing is fine. Pls dont judge me. I mean ugh you think im the worst, cant get any worse xD

People are shit. They are shallow, selfish and weak. Deep inside I know it, but i kept making excuses why, like they dont want to feel bad, they have their reasons, they have their faults. 

I always looked at people in a better light to be able to tolerate them. I stop with that now. I shouldnt make up excuses when nobody would go easy on me. People have treated me like shit and I just took it. 

Anyway back to the topic. You told me about two women who were willing to leave their husbands for you. You were shocked. Back then I didnt tell you my take bc i was in a project and didnt want to talk about it bc there were people around. I didnt want them to hear me. Some who passed looked weird when they heard me say stuff to you. Also, like I said, it made me sad. I felt sorry that you had to experience this. Nobody should to be put in a situation like this. Overall it’s not a big deal, but somehow it hurts that people would cheat. If you are unhappy, then just be honest and leave the relationship. You shouldn’t stay and when the opportunity arises, hop into another. But people do that…

Here is an example that I have experienced. There was some girl. Yeah was some project somewhere shut up. I experienced her cheating and I was so mad. It started with idiot guy saying “out of everybody here, you are the most beautiful” my mind said “thanks brah” then later on they started cuddling. She noticed our gazes and said “dont worry guys. I like cuddling. I like cuddling with you, too. Its just he is a man. I like man’s body” we knew she had a boyfriend and the atmosphere turned weird. I was so mad inside, but said nothing. I was waiting for her to say something. Ofc they started kissing in front of us. I just saw red. I talked to the others to hear what they thought. They said “well their business. Why do you care? It got nothing to do with you” I felt so lonely in that situation, everybody knew it was wrong, but nobody cared. Nobody saw it was fucking WRONG. I even cried when i was outside walking alone. I wondered why couldnt they resist. She had a bf and he still went for her. I wondered why. I dont even know who is more at fault. She must have had low self esteem that she let it happen. And he is just a horny jerk with no morals. I couldnt confront them bc i didnt feel i was in my right. I treated them badly. I was just so mad how dare they. Well they didnt bother to confront me and we parted on bad terms. I dont care. Well, Im lying. I wished they confonted me. I didnt want to confront them bc i would have been yelling. I dont want to meet anybody of that project ever again. They were all shit. Other shit happened, too. 

This, I havent told this to anybody bc it looks so insignificant, but sometimes it crosses my mind. It grosses me out that I had to watch this. 

Women and also men cheat bc theyre trash. Not all cheat. They are rare, but if some people, I dont know how many, have the chance and wouldnt get caught, they do cheat. I dont know why, but i guess bc its fun, excitement and bc they can? People dont want to be good. They want to take advantage of others. They use people. Who knows what it is theyre missing. They wanna keep their safety cushion while going out and having fun. They dont have a conscious. I know and i dont know why people cheat. Something is missing and they seek it in others? 

When you said “all women cheat” i wanted to say “thats not true. I dont cheat” 

ive been in situations when i had the chance to cheat. I never acted on it. In my mind its not worth it. I know how it is to get cheated on. Its like “what did i do to deserve this” you feel worthless. I get to this later somewhere. I couldnt forgive myself if i ever cheated. 

Some guy that i thought i was becoming friends with, one day he hinted “you ‘n’ me why dont we…nobody would know” sth like this. Honestly i dont remember. I was raging inside. I laughed it off and giggled “no thank you” it felt like i just got slapped, but nvm

Intro

I have wanted to do this for awhile. This useless thing of writing stuff and letting you have access to it. I have done mistakes when I wanted to do everything right. I‘m not good at anything. That‘s why our friendship failed. I‘m just bad. 

Please don‘t get offended if you ever read this. This is just my side how I feel. By the time you read this, you know, like in few years up to 10 or more or never, I might not be around. I will make sure there won‘t be any trace and you will never know. We are all on the internet and anonymous. 

When we talked for the first time properly, the Big Talk, I was really surprised by you. I was overwhelmed and things moved way too fast. It was just a big switch from bad to good person. There are things that I didn‘t get to say because I didn‘t have the chance to. I wanted to, but we had a fight. So Im going this way and also analyzing, bringing back and while doing so getting over things. 

I dont feel good. Im kinda lost. Im losing my cool. Im so easily irritated. And this is stupid and i might regret it, but who cares. What matters really? Nothing really. Id appreciate it if you dont share this blog with anyone, but if you do, then do as you please bc i dont care

Im done caring bc everything that i care for turns to shit. I tried so hard with you, more than I want to admit, but Im admitting shit now, so its out and has a place to live. The thoughts, should have, could have, would have blabla have been haunting me for such a long time. I could just write them down and leave it be, but I want to share with you. Share even if its useless. 

Bc its so sad when there are things to be said, but they never get said. Just leaving bc it hurts/upsets so much. I dont want this. I dont want to keep hurting myself with this. And I know I have no access to your attention. It‘s over. It‘s just..I have done this before. It hurt like hell in the end. So this is a new approach.

It will be a lot and I try to make it sound as entertaining as possible. I dont know how it goes. I wont let you, the reader, misunderstand me. It will be in topics, a mess, up and down whatever. Whatever it is, I will give it meaning.

Being invisible

They said "wow cool that dude grew upt with two languages. German and Spanish! Awesome" while i was standing there wondering if it wasnt any obvious that I do too. I mean you can even see it, I'm not white...while he is and he doesn't look spanish...like at all. I get it maybe its cool to have parents from different countries. Mine are from one, they just moved abroad.

Growing up bilingual is considered to be so enriching when you don't see that it is "halfing" you. You belong to neither and neither can you master. People admire and envy, but they dont see the trouble that comes with it. that it is tearing you inside, that you are constantly losing one side while the other cant belong to you. because your color dont fit.

america has asian americans. its an own culture, such as black americans are. germany, where i live, we are an even smaller minority. so tiny and insigificant. where are all the colors in the media?
conservative means moving very slowly.  but the old days die and the new days blossom.

You were dead to me
Anyhow I felt your leave

My guide, he has passed
My eyes, they got blind

How dumb to think
we were earth enemies
so star friends
became
true.

Namen umaendern - Identitaet verlieren

Lange habe ich mich gestraeubt meinen Namen umzuaendern, aber nach jahrelanger Odysee hab ichs kapiert, resigniere ich, mach ich. Mein Lehrer von damals sagte, wir hatten auch mal eine schuelerin wie dich. die hat sich damals einen deutschen namen zugelegt, hat sich eingebuergert. aha.

aber eigentlich bin ich nur bei diesem dilema weil meine eltern sich nicht die muehe machten meinen namen zu korrigieren, weil die buerotante einfach den deutschen namen vergessen hat.

versteht mich nicht falsch, ich mag meinen namen. deswegen haenge ich ja so daran. vorname wichtiger als nachname. das staendige erklaeren der aussprache, die frage woher.

was mich unheimlich nervt: hast du dir auch einen namen ausgesucht? nein habe ich nicht.
du kannst so gut deutsch.

Es tut schon weh seinen Namen aendern zu muessen, folglich das gefuehl zu haben etwas zu verlieren. (nur deutschland ist so streng mit namensaenderungen) ich aendere, damit ich weniger probleme habe. ich aendere nicht um mich zu integrieren. Ich hab keine lust mit so etwas schwierigen rumzurennen.

The importance of social interaction

Growing up I was pretty much sheltered.
My parents didnt send me to do activities. In their mind im safest at home...
I grew up with boys, this means with my neighbours and cousins who were, well yes, boys.
And then I got sent to that dreadful girl school. And ofc I had trouble at the beginning. I didnt get along. Somehow I made myself fit in which means letting others dictate. Because that is how I got shaped from the beginning. Others are more important and at the end you yourself.

I have always been a very shy intorverted girl. The way I got brought up intensified it. I didnt feel like my opinions count, that uttering my needs would be heard and most of all nobody had time for me.

I didnt know how to socialize because I never got a chance to. And why would I who was aware of that put myself in danger?
With 15 I had to spend the summer at my aunts place, it was horrible.
With 17 somebody asked me if I didnt like to talk.
With 20 a friend told me I have issues interacting.

Why is it that

I could and I would, but that's not me

Growing up we had ideas in mind what to become. Life to be eternal travel.
You had in mind what you wanted. I searched further, considered ideas not fit me. Yet you surprised me. We had this talk. Do i look back for traces and see now if you were right?

I'd love to connect sciences with humanities to prove that both are equally important. We can prove world...that's it.