You were dead to me
Anyhow I felt your leave

My guide, he has passed
My eyes, they got blind

How dumb to think
we were earth enemies
so star friends
became
true.

Namen umaendern - Identitaet verlieren

Lange habe ich mich gestraeubt meinen Namen umzuaendern, aber nach jahrelanger Odysee hab ichs kapiert, resigniere ich, mach ich. Mein Lehrer von damals sagte, wir hatten auch mal eine schuelerin wie dich. die hat sich damals einen deutschen namen zugelegt, hat sich eingebuergert. aha.

aber eigentlich bin ich nur bei diesem dilema weil meine eltern sich nicht die muehe machten meinen namen zu korrigieren, weil die buerotante einfach den deutschen namen vergessen hat.

versteht mich nicht falsch, ich mag meinen namen. deswegen haenge ich ja so daran. vorname wichtiger als nachname. das staendige erklaeren der aussprache, die frage woher.

was mich unheimlich nervt: hast du dir auch einen namen ausgesucht? nein habe ich nicht.
du kannst so gut deutsch.

Es tut schon weh seinen Namen aendern zu muessen, folglich das gefuehl zu haben etwas zu verlieren. (nur deutschland ist so streng mit namensaenderungen) ich aendere, damit ich weniger probleme habe. ich aendere nicht um mich zu integrieren. Ich hab keine lust mit so etwas schwierigen rumzurennen.

The importance of social interaction

Growing up I was pretty much sheltered.
My parents didnt send me to do activities. In their mind im safest at home...
I grew up with boys, this means with my neighbours and cousins who were, well yes, boys.
And then I got sent to that dreadful girl school. And ofc I had trouble at the beginning. I didnt get along. Somehow I made myself fit in which means letting others dictate. Because that is how I got shaped from the beginning. Others are more important and at the end you yourself.

I have always been a very shy intorverted girl. The way I got brought up intensified it. I didnt feel like my opinions count, that uttering my needs would be heard and most of all nobody had time for me.

I didnt know how to socialize because I never got a chance to. And why would I who was aware of that put myself in danger?
With 15 I had to spend the summer at my aunts place, it was horrible.
With 17 somebody asked me if I didnt like to talk.
With 20 a friend told me I have issues interacting.

Why is it that

I could and I would, but that's not me

Growing up we had ideas in mind what to become. Life to be eternal travel.
You had in mind what you wanted. I searched further, considered ideas not fit me. Yet you surprised me. We had this talk. Do i look back for traces and see now if you were right?

I'd love to connect sciences with humanities to prove that both are equally important. We can prove world...that's it.

you were pretty all along the way
the first time I lay my eyes on you
you were my fantasy future
the last time I'll see you
I suffocate

About exchaning love

because it is so easy...

Like literally everboydy could be your partner. We meet plenty, we forget most. This circle, will it ever be broken? This place, everyting seems to be so easily replaceable. Until we meet the one and if it pasts away, we could always find a new one.

Are you a head person or a heart person?

If you are unsure, then it's probably wrong. Why do we have to fight for love? Covince something that has always been there? Love should come easy. Why can't you just turn your back and let it be? Why are you so greedy? Wanting something that was never supposed to be.

What broke is unfixable because it will never be the same. When wounds become beautiful scars of life, then you can start over. When past is not hurtful, but a precious memory...

Love has always given me lights and shadows. It thrills me, it makes me feel alive and the biggest meaning of life is... yeah, its love! The downside is to not be loved back, but to be honest it's hard, but you should not have expectiations. You give becacuse you love and there is no demand behind it.

So anyone could be your lover. If not him, it could be the next one. I just don't feel it. I don't feel the next one is right around the corner. And also I don't want a replacement. What I felt for first and second love will never be. It's true if my next date goes wrong, there is always a next one. Plenty fishes in the pond. I just won't give up and take a better one if there are bad times.

I'm too much of a head person, but my heart has the first and last word. Head is in the way of trying. Heart is in the way of accepting. Once when they will work together, it must be the right one.

Doesn't matter if you get hurt. Those unworthy of your thoughts will vanish. You will ocassionally think of the ones you really cared for. We live in the moment, that's why it hurts. Never let the past be the moment because future will never forgive that you took its future away.

For some love is it all. I say they are wrong. Love is a lot more. Love is the air we breath, the food we eat, the water we drink, every step we take... Love is life. Love is everything. To people, love is a person or family. It's not wrong but it's just more...a lot more. Love consists only of four letters, but it actually should mean world.

But I dont want to small talk. Text me, and without

saying hey, tell me why your sister scratched you 

that other day. Tell me why you're hot as fire and 
cold as fuck so sudden. Tell me night stories which 
can blow my imagination because I can't fall 
easily...asleep and for anyone. Have you spend 
every summer inside like I did in my home 
when you were small? Call me when I’m

half asleep and say how you can let it happen 
that we lose something special. Go on for hours 
about things that are possibly not important 
because I want to know you. Tell me or tell 
me not. I don’t want with this confusion.

Who is to blame?

So is western world responsible because it let it happen? Or the Middle east because it didnt prevent it? We all know Islam is stricter and not so tolerant. I guess there, it was easier to abuse religion. They are still caught in Middle Age whereas we overcame it. I don't think it was an easy time to be rebellious, to open up society and and make all life forms be accepted. Without the 68 generation, we would be somewhat behind.
Why don't you let it slide that the victims of Paris get more attention than all the otheres and work on yourself? Change doesn't happen by itself. When something happes, nothing will be the same