want

 huawei freeclip 2

 good mic

good camera

good phone

 

 https://www.reddit.com/r/travel/comments/22vkc2/are_flights_around_southeast_asia_cheap/

 https://www.reddit.com/r/Flights/comments/1ic4vki/best_most_cost_effective_flights_to_and_around/

 

 https://www.reddit.com/r/Flights/comments/1lariw6/southeast_asia_airline_recommendations/

 

korea japan travel
27 april travel
28 arrive in seoul, then jeju
1 may travel to seoul
7 travel to fukuoka
9 ferry to osaka
14 train to tokyo





2016-2021







pc refund
flight v
xmas flight
zooplus
calculate how much alex owes

januar februar 2024

 

 

new year in stuttgart 

kims convenience in london

 

Extrakt 13.mai.2022

 01.01.2022

“you wrote you would do sth and sth sexual to me” that made me flip out on you. I felt a tingling sensation, didn’t want that and tried to flee. you asked “are you mad” 

I tried to tell you that your jokes were not fun, not right, but the message couldn’t get thru to you. you always reacted so harshly. you treat me better than anyone when it felt like you couldn’t treat me any shittier. its fine.. even when I say sth nice, you got furious.

(how can I possibly give you answers about feelings when I was trying to figure them out myself? and no it was never love or crush, it was rather deep connection/platonic friendship. I mean my endless imagination xD)

it should have been me to leave at the beginning, at least for awhile, but I stayed bc I didn’t want to make you sad. I put you above my feelings, meaning my discomfort. I didn’t listen to my intuition. its my fault that I always answered back immediately bc I didn’t want to let you wait. you said it makes you feel bad and sth is wrong when ppl dont answer. I didn’t know better how to handle it all and so didn’t notice it was starting to break. something wonderful turned black.

and no, no fuxkng bs of not meant to be or its good it happened this way, else….bla bla. actions have consequences. this just happened this way and this is how it is now. people leave when it gets too difficult and don’t want to resolve things. happens everyday. that’s it.

I think we have met at a point in life when we weren’t doing so well and weren’t aware of the issues. it was a surprise to have found so. who understood me and now its just pain that’s creeping around. no matter what I do, its wrong and you will never talk to me again. 

thank you for being there for me. appreciate your high energy and positivity. sorry it went this way. part of me really wishes this all never happened bc what was the point when in the end there are just hurtful things and all madness? I just wished we parted in a better way. I don’t want you to think im a bad person bc this is what hurts me the most. you can blame everything on me, but please don’t think so low of me. 

I wish you a good new year, a cosy warm home and to find the girl of your dreams and more.

 

ps: I noticed you left the sloth. wouldn’t write you any messages bc I don’t want to bother you. in case it was bc of me. if you feel like it, don hesitate to drop a message anyhow. you know one day maybe. itd be nice to have a goodbye

*/***sooo bc i dont want to upset you by getting a notification, im editing messages in. Maybe you notice this or maybe not. i dont want to make you read/hear me out when you actually dont want to. Below is what i would like you to read. Up is ramble stuff/unimportant that i just want to get out. Dont necessarily have anything to do with you. Order above is down to up.

If you ever see this, you dont have to read.*/***

**those women**

when you told me about the women, I didnt know what to say and got sad. had wanted to talk to you about it later. Here we go

Not only women are like that, men are shallow, too. If something better comes up, theyre ready to leave.

Dunno some people are just like that. They are selfish. They want the best for themselves. Why be bad and justify it? Ever heard of „all fair in love and war“? Ppl do believe in that. In order to reach their goal, they think everything they do is right.

those women who would leave their partners see something in you that they want, that their partner cant give them. deep down theyre unhappy and we are all kinda chasing happiness. that’s my conclusion. 

I dont care that people cheat bc its their life and their choices. I just dont want to know anything about it.

**Moving on**

when we talked about ex the last time, I got so upset that I never wanted to touch this topic again. you were so hurt. she decided to keep living a lie when she should have been honest. 

I wanted to tell you in order to move past this, you need to forgive her. If you cant forgive her, forgive yourself. I mean for trusting and believing. It‘s not your fault that you got betrayed. You felt stupid.

she did a mistake, she is gone and you should be happy this relationship didn’t last longer. 

I know how it is to be cheated on. maybe I should finally admit this is my first relationship instead of calling it mistake of a relationship. im very dumb in a relationship. was the third guy I had when I was 22. then ons, then exbf. and why did I want it to work? bc I desperately wanted to get over first love and I tried so hard to be in love. idiot wasn’t even hot or had any great qualities. first thing that gave me attention. I tried to forget and not think of it. I occassionally get flashbacks. 

Here is a song you can listen to. Maybe it helps to get over your ex. Doubt youre still in pain, but in case  *Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! at the Disco*

**break up and the s++ shit**

im touching this topic bc im not sure its clear to you that I broke up with him bc you said that I was hurting a lot. it got me thinking, realized stuff, got me mad, so mad that I couldn’t stand being in this relationship any second longer. and then the sexting shit. I don’t know how to talk about this bc this is really sth I don’t like to talk about it. im just so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive had chances to cheat on him and get away with it. didn’t do it bc I know if I ever cheat, I couldn’t forgive myself. I knew if I ever did it, I would have to leave. there are no excuses. 

we would have broken up sooner or later anyway. We talked about it. I hated to be away from him. when he finally let me live with him, I was so broken. I didn’t want to leave the house for weeks, didn’t want to do anything. 

I told him, he said that was an honest mistake, if I did it again, thatd be cheating. this didn’t ease my mind. technically I didn’t cheat. I didn’t touch myself while writing to you. I resisted you so hard, but idk you just wanted to win over me. I don’t blame you. I could have closed discord. it made me hornier, the hornier you got. srsly dunno how you could get horny to that. never did sexting before. Sure tried, but didnt like it. That whole night was a mistake.

Didnt want to talk to you about this bc i feared youd accuse me of accusing you.

and have you ever looked at me? im asian. my controlling parents didn’t let me explore anything than studying and doing what they want. I am indeed an asian stereotype. im a good girl. very obedient, submissive, nice. even geeky if you want. my father made me play tomb raider at age 8. He loves computers, so so very much. I used to play a lot. spent 200euro on in-game money. that’s nothing. others spent a fortune. you know I never told you, coz then you might think … xD nah im kidding. there was just no point talking about this past. Its not sth im proud of.

**hiding it all**

I couldn’t be me from the start. my needs and wants were never acknowledged. and I know I was different early on. all my life I was always trying to fit in. I spent so much time in my head, daydreaming. already daydreamt at age 5 and being punished for basically being a kid bc kids just do things without knowing whats wrong or right. I remember things very well. my earliest memory is at age 2. even remember moving from nrw to bayern one year later. 

its just easier to fit in and pretend things are cool, even though I hate them. im not a big fan of alcohol and drugs. only smoked again in september to ease the pain. I had stopped for 2 years. started at 20, started and stopped on and off. stopping is not hard. I know deep down its stupid, but it gives me comfort. so I usually stop when im doing better. its just to cope. I was drunk 1x2011, 1x2014, 2x2017 and 4x2021. usually I just get tipsy to be able to bear the people around me and ease up. and also only in company. last year at bremen project, they did drinking game, so I had no control how much to take. then I drank 2 times when I found out you deleted all messages weeks later. pain was just too big. last time was in december. convinced discord people to drink with me. ive never learnt how much alcohol I actually can take in bc my parents didn’t let me go out often. Remember the berliner beer i posted on your server? Wasnt mine, took photo of serbian’s. 

I know we’re going to die anyway, but there is something inherently stupid about willingly poisoning your body.

there is no point showing the real me bc people don’t get me. they don’t get my motives. youre boring if you don’t comform and when you comform, youre kinda boring too. people get surprised. But then when i explain stuff, they dont get it. I have to talk a lot to get my point across. Am not good at explaining.

**the ideal love**

relationships are complicated. there are expectations. people want to find the one. perfect in every way. 

ive come up what the ideal love to me in my teenage years and kinda knew it doesn't work in reality.

my ideal is two people find each other, get to know and get along so well, they decide to be together. and if one of them changes their mind, itd be ok for both of them, if one goes. thats how i felt about first love. i loved him as a friend first. i thought if we ever get married, spent our lives together and i fell out of love, id still want to be with him because he was so interesting. but if we stopped being together, id still want to be his friend. even if he decided to stop contact, id be ok, too. id want the best for him.  

thats what i call love. you just give without expecting anything back in return. demanding to be loved is vanity.

Realisation didnt come out of nowhere. I spent a great amount of my teenage years with philosophy. My teenage self was very hardworking, disciplined, ambitious and nothing what i am now. I worked so hard bc i felt so bad about myself, but in the end nothing really matters ~

all the love i ever received was conditional. people get mad when i do sth wrong, doenst matter if i do it on purpose or not. im the one who always have to give in. meanwhile i have to forgive and forget every shit. 

do you know how it is to stand in front of the mirror and saying „i love you“ to yourself and crying? because i lied. i hated myself so much as a teenager. i was so sad and didnt know why. i seeked the fault in myself although it was the whole environment who was putting me down. 

i used to wish to go back in time and change that i did say „i love you“ to first love, but now i wish i could change that to i was never born.

**why people get into relationships**

growing up we are told by people, movies, stories etc. how love should be. to find the other half, the one that completes us. we fight, chase, work, forgive blabla.

people don’t know how to live. theyre being told what to do. there is also no right way to live. people also like to tell others how to live. they pressure others to get into relationships because somehow its wrong to be single.

when someone says, he likes me, I feel nothing. that rarely happens bc I make sure people wont fall for me. when I was 13, neighbour asked me out. I said no. he started bullying me. when I was 15-16, like 3 internet creeps asked me, I said no, they got mad, insulted me(saying crap they rich lol) and blocked. the dynamic somehow is guys are “allowed” to get mad. 

normal people somehow get interested, get into relationships, hope their feelings grow, stay and wait for someone better to come along or they don’t want to be alone. in your case, maybe gf stayed although she lost the feelings bc she didn’t want to hurt you, hoped feelings would come back. and yes possibly cheated, but wanted to keep you until she couldn’t pretend any longer. 

also there is the aspect of benefit. you want something out of a relationship. a rich bf is just so nice. a hot gf is sth to brag about. oh and don’t forget sex -__-

personally for me its about connection. its not worth it for me to be in a relationship when its shallow. I know I could get into relationships and have all the sex I want. but why would I waste my emotions like that?

when I told you about my feelings, it was not to make you want me. you pressured me to say whats up. I didn’t know that you would have problems with knowing.

**the friendship**

when i met you, i was doing really bad. was planning my suicide. first love‘s death month is september. i lost friends who stopped talking when i was doing worse. i dumped 5-6 friends bc i couldnt deal with them anymore. i was always there when they call, but they dont answer or say busy when i needed help. I just have 1-2 friends now.

anyway with you, friendship was kinda different. i was worried to write to you bc i didnt want to bother you, but you said if i felt like it, i could write to you during the day. i didnt need to ask for your attention. you just gave it to me. so many things were just easier with you than with anybody else. i wasnt scared to be judged for who i am. you could make me laugh. we talked about our problems, but not in an annoying way. my friends used to trash me with their problems, over and over again. always same shit. i get tired after talking to someone after 1h mostly, but with you it could have been a whole day and i wouldnt be tired. 

when you told me about your mom kicking you out for a night, i asked „why didnt you tell me?“ and you said „where were you(at that time)? i said „in potsdam“ its odd. we both knew we didn’t know each other back then. why didn’t you say “well…we havent met yet, silly”?

I was overwhelmed and panicking at the beginning, bc somehow I was scared it would break. I don’t know why. we got close so fast. I had bad friends, wasnt over it. It was too good to be true maybe?

i know writing this shit is useless, but let me get over this shit my way, ok? i dont know what to do to get over this. i dunno how. somewhere i wish we never got close and just stayed on the server anyhow. talking here there. 

our friendship shouldve been what it was at the beginning.

15.feb

There are no things to be solved

Only sorrows to onion

I didnt know this union

Involved unresolved

Im tryna to let go

When there was nvr anything to hold

We breath, we die

In a way our convos

Keep on going in my head

Only the curiosity once there

Gone

Your laugh, so addicting

Your madness, quite scary

My sadness, hidden

I wish to die

When i got closer

I realize

It is to matter (at last)

I want to pack you in sth really small

So i could hide it in the depths of my soul

Is it bc you became so precious or?

Is it bc you are so hurtin..

I know somewhere, 

Without ever wanting to admit,

I love you.

And that is why i tried so hard

To prevent.

I was truthful

From the start

But i did not help

Bc talking

I really hate talking

Let it all out, you said

Without realizing

Others have ponds

While I, well, I

Have oceans.

Inward we go

Outward 

There‘s no room

I adore you

Like a little pocket

Unseen

We are not meant to be.

And I, in my little voice, say:

Thats not true. Else we would have not met.

It would have been a challenge

But doesnt every challenge come with a reward?

Letting go is hard for me

Bc letting in never happens

The demons left me

When you opened up.

When you left

They came for me…

As if there was no escape

As if your protection was

Just a disguise to be

I once found sth really really great.

And i got so confused.

Like is this too real to be truth?

I wanted to leave

I stayed

So you left

Once this sadness leaves me

You will, for real, leave me

So i ask: what am i holding on?

So I wonder: are all my efforts for nothing?

I mean getting rid of this,

Is there any effort required?

I was naked

For the very first time

Yet you saw me fully clothed.

Why dont you trust me

That i can handle

Dont you trust yourself?

(Not) Meant to be

Is just a way to give sense

Into sth that bears no sense

When in reality..

We just fucking give up.

I know I love

When I dont want to

Bc I want the best

If the best for you

Is to be without me

Then its the best

I cant tell you in words

Its plain platonic

Like vanilla ice cream

But no matter how HARD I say it

You dont believe

Bc your ego,

In your fucking daydreamy ego,

EVERYone, I mean each and every one

Has to want you

And by your side, that is, what im willing to admit.

Id rather be your friend

There was never more that I wanted.

Thats is how far my selfishness can go.

You know and Ive always believed in this

Love is about giving

Demanding to be loved

Is vanity.

And I need to be vain.

I give and give.

I get very little to nothing 

Back

You gave without (me) asking

And that is what I loved 

About you.

We both have some sort of trauma

They manifested one way or 

They fed off each other.

We couldnt talk 

They played with each other

Gotten known too well

It was a bad time

They fought each other

Fed into

Im- to Explosion

Our inner child

Wants to be loved

I thought I found a place to be

Just didnt see the fire raging

Around us, within us, above us

Everywheeere

We‘re burnt, brah

I wonder if I lived in some kinda

Fantasy land that I wanted you to

Believe to trust when we ourselves do

Not trust. I trusted you and wanted

To be trusted bc I wanted to prove

You wrong. In the end you proved

You yourself right. Gratziiiiiii <3

I had doubts at the start

But they werent bc of you

They were bc of past events

So in a way I gave you my doubts

They became yours.

You said you sabotaged

And I thought it was all me

Bc I was suffering.

You said I was suffering bc of you

I said that was not true

Now I see.

You were right.

Partly.

The jokes

I tried to take them

The rejections

I tried to not see them

No, I was not suffering bc of you

I was suffering by your words.

I do not want to be with you

Simply I dont see

Us

I dont see us together

Not in a million, trillion years

But this is not you, its me

I dont see myself with anyone.

I dont wanna.

Besides i dont feel that way

I couldnt/cant see it back then 

Nevuh

I cant want you

Bc I never felt that way. 

The only way I see us

In another reality

In another life

As different people

There are things that drive me crazy about you.

There is just no way.

Can someone just like someone else

And its just friends?

If I can tell you about love

Idk

Love is love.

When I get over someone

I know it‘s not love?

Nah kidding

Dunno what im talking bout

What you saw in me were

Remainder of my younger self

Of all the favors, i asked you. I mean if i have ever asked you to do me a favor. Let him forget me. He wants me to die from this. He wants me to regret this all my life. And thats fine. You dont know how much i tried to forget this to the point i wish i never got close to him. Bc all this pain, its unbearable. Almost 5 fucking months and no matter how hard, whatever i do, its still so painful.

In my sleep, I dreamt you away

When I slept for days, 

Only waking up for a few hours.

You seemed so far away

You were a distant memory

Bc in every waking moment

It was all about you

I thought better sleep

Than to have this pain

But in the end

I was sleeping my life away

Story Time

An internet friend whom I wanted to to learn Swedish friend with invited me to Quicklight. She told me there were Swedish lessons. I found her on Reddit. That was in June. I saw the voice call was active and joined occasionally. I do remember my first time talking. I told you and you were like „aww :D thats poised. He makes ppl talk“

I was quite timid and didnt dare to say much. I remember my encounter with everyone quite well. So I remember you. You were shit talking about Germany in the German Channel. I loved this channel bc i like to speak german. It‘s just fun. Honestly Discord to me was just an elongated forum, where i can get information about the stuff i care about. I joined discord to listen to commands on wow raids. And to hangout with the friends I made from there.

I heard you were quite busy with work. I think I listened to you quite a bit before I reacted. You were saying you were 47, then 22. I claimed „me, too. Im 47“ Back then I didnt know what it was that was bothering me. Now I know. You were faking it. I was bothered that no matter what I said, you wouldnt lose your stance and act happy. 

Then my primal instincts took over and dont ask me why. I just knew you annoyed me so much. So much that I went thru all your socials once to find stuff to hurt you. You were hitting on me and I think I made it shown that I didnt like it. I was hating this behaviour on myself, tried to talk less, but when i heard you, i couldnt help it. I dont remember anything I ever said to you. The closest what i can remember was that i said sth really bad, was shocked by myself that it left my mouth, was scared of your reaction and you just laughed. 

And no, i didnt have anything against you. I thought you were great. Wanted to ask you to help me learn graphic design. Wanted to get to know you, like all the others. I didnt know i was into you, but apparently I had to get your attention anyhow.

When I look thru our chat log, it‘s more than apparent sth was bothering me, but i couldnt talk about it. I didnt even know it myself. 

The drama with the others was quite taxing. I know robberts version, their version blabla etc and when flaaffy deleted the server, i was done. Really done. Poised and the moderators were changing so much, delete this, delete that. I just wanted to be on there and enjoy talking. Server split up n shit. 

It was you who invited me to the replacement server. I was hesistant to join. I feared that drama would continue. But i joined. And it was a mistake.

Bc look i would do anything to turn time back and reverse what we had bc its so painful. Still is so painful. 

We continued that weird ass quarrel. I went on Bremen project. It was a shitty and good time. I talked to people. I told you I was drunk. Dont even know why. You were somehow texting me and I answered. Didnt you get that i wrote disgustingly to you bc i didnt want to talk to you? There was sth that was bothering me and I wanted it gone. When you wrote sth sexual, it pissed me off. It weirded me out. Like i was really trying to be normal to you dude and then you throw in random shit. 

I really tried to be normal, really. Then I must have thought „fuck it“ and played along.

Somewhere im at fault bc why, just why?

Unfortunately I gave you the wrong impression of a project. I thought youd like it if i presented it to you as if it was a fuckfest. I told you they were playing truth or dare. People hitting on each other. People having sex in kitchen. (The only reason i witnessed was bc trains were having a strike and i was too nervous to sleep, so i stayed awake the whole night) The truth is that is what annoys me most about these projects. When we introduced ourselves, I told the others to be mindful, we are here to get to know each other and best not to be romantically involved. Still happened. 

Mistake to write to you during project. Bothered you with useless shit

I havent told anyone before while things are happening. I keep stuff to myself. You know, you were there and why not just write stuff that are meaningless bc you were meaningless. And piss you off with ex. Im not proud, but literally i didnt know what i was doing. It annoyed me, but i didnt want to think about it and cared enough to figure it out. 

I can be so mindlessly mean. 

Then i just got so agitated. So agitated that it turned into horniness. I didnt get it at all. And i tried to masturbate, but it freaked me out.

You kinda had enough, said we needed to talk, we talked.

And it was overwhelmingly surprising. I dont remember what exactly what was said. I was astonished who you really were. Like this annoying maddafakka was a gentle soul that had problems similar to mine. I was so bluntly honest like never ever. I dont, J. I really dont remember what we talked about. I wished I did. I just know how happy I was. Finally I found someone who gets me. Someone who cares although my life is shit. 

And yeah was mistake telling you. You said „thx for telling“ several times while i was just panicking how to get rid of this. I SAID „im horny“ and not „pls fuck me“ bc what follows is a big mistake that essentially destroyed everything what we could have had. 

Before i was horny, after that i wanted to fuck you. Its on me bc i havent properly explored my sexuality, else this would have never happened. I was never this horny and i didnt get why. You were pushing me. I gave you many reasons. I resisted. Its like you wanted to win over me. 

I wrote you a letter and i sent it. Your reaction was bad. It made me not want to talk to you.

And yeah mistake to send it. I should have masturbated in secret and never talk about it again. 

Then I had heart pain. Thought i was in love, but really all i could say was „i had feelings“ and feelings could be anything. You didnt take me serious. Asked „hooooow?? Whyyyy“ made me feel stupid. Like i was feeling stupid myself, dont need you to tell me, thx. 

Again mistake telling you bc you couldnt handle knowing. 

I decided to stay

Another stupid mistake. I didnt listen to myself. 

I tried to be ok. Figure it out. Wanted to flee bc i didnt want to handle feelings. Found retard project in berlin. 

Yet again stupid mistake xD i make awesome decisions when im unhinged. Should have searched for a job and start working immediately. 

Somehow before i left we had a talk deep into the night although i had to pack. Drove to berlin very tiredly, almost had accident. I really hate driving car. 

I dunno when before or after, but I somehow questioned our friendship. You said you needed to treat me better or sth. Made me feel so bad. I made you so upset, like why is she like this? I must have made you feeling so low or sth. It wasnt about you. I had bad friendships and somehow was so scared.

Mistake again. I didnt want to make you feel bad. 

Berlin project was shit, but whatever. I left your server. You said sth that infuriated me. We somehow fought. I said „you treat me like a dog“ got you so mad and i couldnt tell you what was up. Gave you excuses bc i didnt want to get you madder. 

Mistake bc yeah bc instead of blowing up at you. I should have just let it be. Just let it be. Stop talking to you and tell you later. Handle it better. 

Heartache decreased over time. I was busy. After project i met up with friends, then drove home. Came home to you telling me how much you wanted me to die :‘)

Alright bc i should have just ignored it. Just let it be

Then talked to you midnight till 2 am

Woho bc why did i even want to talk to you?

You said sth very nice. So nice i wanted to pass bc my reaction would have melted you instantly to goo…so i said „im really antsy. I need to go to fap“ you didnt want to let it slide and asked „sweety, are you crayon?

Like fucking srsly. You said few mins before you had lack of sleep. You cant think straight. Thats one of the fucking reasons i wanted to leave. I also wanted to leave coz i had no idea what was going on with me. I just knew i didnt want to get mad. I didnt know how to react. 

I did not want to acknowledge anything. Said i just wanted to sleep, kept the act up. But really i was just soooooo annoyed and reacted harhsly bc i came home from a shit show of a project and couldnt hold my temper. Had nothing to do with you

Few h later i somehow woke up. At 6 fucking am. I slept like 2 h. I slept on the sofa that was so fucking uncomfy. I was half asleep when i read your text. Started to cry. Like i didnt cry enough the past days bc of shit project. 

You accused me of shit.

I was ready to let you go.

You changed your mind.

You fucked with my mind by ok honey we all good now <3

Then you fucked me all over again and blamed again you didnt want this that as if it was ALL i ever wanted.

Then i said ok fine, good life.

Then you fuck again. Block and all.

If you had just left out the last part, nothing further would have happened. Bc this severely fucked with my brain. Even if you ghosted me, thatd be 10000000000x nicer.

Yeah i cant say i could have had done anything diff here. I was having a nervous breakdown. I had no control. And sure you had no control, too. But dude, I was the one with feelings. I was the one who would get hurt the most…