01.01.2022
“you wrote you would do sth and sth sexual to me” that made me flip out on you. I felt a tingling sensation, didn’t want that and tried to flee. you asked “are you mad”
I tried to tell you that your jokes were not fun, not right, but the message couldn’t get thru to you. you always reacted so harshly. you treat me better than anyone when it felt like you couldn’t treat me any shittier. its fine.. even when I say sth nice, you got furious.
(how can I possibly give you answers about feelings when I was trying to figure them out myself? and no it was never love or crush, it was rather deep connection/platonic friendship. I mean my endless imagination xD)
it should have been me to leave at the beginning, at least for awhile, but I stayed bc I didn’t want to make you sad. I put you above my feelings, meaning my discomfort. I didn’t listen to my intuition. its my fault that I always answered back immediately bc I didn’t want to let you wait. you said it makes you feel bad and sth is wrong when ppl dont answer. I didn’t know better how to handle it all and so didn’t notice it was starting to break. something wonderful turned black.
and no, no fuxkng bs of not meant to be or its good it happened this way, else….bla bla. actions have consequences. this just happened this way and this is how it is now. people leave when it gets too difficult and don’t want to resolve things. happens everyday. that’s it.
I think we have met at a point in life when we weren’t doing so well and weren’t aware of the issues. it was a surprise to have found so. who understood me and now its just pain that’s creeping around. no matter what I do, its wrong and you will never talk to me again.
thank you for being there for me. appreciate your high energy and positivity. sorry it went this way. part of me really wishes this all never happened bc what was the point when in the end there are just hurtful things and all madness? I just wished we parted in a better way. I don’t want you to think im a bad person bc this is what hurts me the most. you can blame everything on me, but please don’t think so low of me.
I wish you a good new year, a cosy warm home and to find the girl of your dreams and more.
ps: I noticed you left the sloth. wouldn’t write you any messages bc I don’t want to bother you. in case it was bc of me. if you feel like it, don hesitate to drop a message anyhow. you know one day maybe. itd be nice to have a goodbye
*/***sooo bc i dont want to upset you by getting a notification, im editing messages in. Maybe you notice this or maybe not. i dont want to make you read/hear me out when you actually dont want to. Below is what i would like you to read. Up is ramble stuff/unimportant that i just want to get out. Dont necessarily have anything to do with you. Order above is down to up.
If you ever see this, you dont have to read.*/***
**those women**
when you told me about the women, I didnt know what to say and got sad. had wanted to talk to you about it later. Here we go
Not only women are like that, men are shallow, too. If something better comes up, theyre ready to leave.
Dunno some people are just like that. They are selfish. They want the best for themselves. Why be bad and justify it? Ever heard of „all fair in love and war“? Ppl do believe in that. In order to reach their goal, they think everything they do is right.
those women who would leave their partners see something in you that they want, that their partner cant give them. deep down theyre unhappy and we are all kinda chasing happiness. that’s my conclusion.
I dont care that people cheat bc its their life and their choices. I just dont want to know anything about it.
**Moving on**
when we talked about ex the last time, I got so upset that I never wanted to touch this topic again. you were so hurt. she decided to keep living a lie when she should have been honest.
I wanted to tell you in order to move past this, you need to forgive her. If you cant forgive her, forgive yourself. I mean for trusting and believing. It‘s not your fault that you got betrayed. You felt stupid.
she did a mistake, she is gone and you should be happy this relationship didn’t last longer.
I know how it is to be cheated on. maybe I should finally admit this is my first relationship instead of calling it mistake of a relationship. im very dumb in a relationship. was the third guy I had when I was 22. then ons, then exbf. and why did I want it to work? bc I desperately wanted to get over first love and I tried so hard to be in love. idiot wasn’t even hot or had any great qualities. first thing that gave me attention. I tried to forget and not think of it. I occassionally get flashbacks.
Here is a song you can listen to. Maybe it helps to get over your ex. Doubt youre still in pain, but in case *Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! at the Disco*
**break up and the s++ shit**
im touching this topic bc im not sure its clear to you that I broke up with him bc you said that I was hurting a lot. it got me thinking, realized stuff, got me mad, so mad that I couldn’t stand being in this relationship any second longer. and then the sexting shit. I don’t know how to talk about this bc this is really sth I don’t like to talk about it. im just so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive had chances to cheat on him and get away with it. didn’t do it bc I know if I ever cheat, I couldn’t forgive myself. I knew if I ever did it, I would have to leave. there are no excuses.
we would have broken up sooner or later anyway. We talked about it. I hated to be away from him. when he finally let me live with him, I was so broken. I didn’t want to leave the house for weeks, didn’t want to do anything.
I told him, he said that was an honest mistake, if I did it again, thatd be cheating. this didn’t ease my mind. technically I didn’t cheat. I didn’t touch myself while writing to you. I resisted you so hard, but idk you just wanted to win over me. I don’t blame you. I could have closed discord. it made me hornier, the hornier you got. srsly dunno how you could get horny to that. never did sexting before. Sure tried, but didnt like it. That whole night was a mistake.
Didnt want to talk to you about this bc i feared youd accuse me of accusing you.
and have you ever looked at me? im asian. my controlling parents didn’t let me explore anything than studying and doing what they want. I am indeed an asian stereotype. im a good girl. very obedient, submissive, nice. even geeky if you want. my father made me play tomb raider at age 8. He loves computers, so so very much. I used to play a lot. spent 200euro on in-game money. that’s nothing. others spent a fortune. you know I never told you, coz then you might think … xD nah im kidding. there was just no point talking about this past. Its not sth im proud of.
**hiding it all**
I couldn’t be me from the start. my needs and wants were never acknowledged. and I know I was different early on. all my life I was always trying to fit in. I spent so much time in my head, daydreaming. already daydreamt at age 5 and being punished for basically being a kid bc kids just do things without knowing whats wrong or right. I remember things very well. my earliest memory is at age 2. even remember moving from nrw to bayern one year later.
its just easier to fit in and pretend things are cool, even though I hate them. im not a big fan of alcohol and drugs. only smoked again in september to ease the pain. I had stopped for 2 years. started at 20, started and stopped on and off. stopping is not hard. I know deep down its stupid, but it gives me comfort. so I usually stop when im doing better. its just to cope. I was drunk 1x2011, 1x2014, 2x2017 and 4x2021. usually I just get tipsy to be able to bear the people around me and ease up. and also only in company. last year at bremen project, they did drinking game, so I had no control how much to take. then I drank 2 times when I found out you deleted all messages weeks later. pain was just too big. last time was in december. convinced discord people to drink with me. ive never learnt how much alcohol I actually can take in bc my parents didn’t let me go out often. Remember the berliner beer i posted on your server? Wasnt mine, took photo of serbian’s.
I know we’re going to die anyway, but there is something inherently stupid about willingly poisoning your body.
there is no point showing the real me bc people don’t get me. they don’t get my motives. youre boring if you don’t comform and when you comform, youre kinda boring too. people get surprised. But then when i explain stuff, they dont get it. I have to talk a lot to get my point across. Am not good at explaining.
**the ideal love**
relationships are complicated. there are expectations. people want to find the one. perfect in every way.
ive come up what the ideal love to me in my teenage years and kinda knew it doesn't work in reality.
my ideal is two people find each other, get to know and get along so well, they decide to be together. and if one of them changes their mind, itd be ok for both of them, if one goes. thats how i felt about first love. i loved him as a friend first. i thought if we ever get married, spent our lives together and i fell out of love, id still want to be with him because he was so interesting. but if we stopped being together, id still want to be his friend. even if he decided to stop contact, id be ok, too. id want the best for him.
thats what i call love. you just give without expecting anything back in return. demanding to be loved is vanity.
Realisation didnt come out of nowhere. I spent a great amount of my teenage years with philosophy. My teenage self was very hardworking, disciplined, ambitious and nothing what i am now. I worked so hard bc i felt so bad about myself, but in the end nothing really matters ~
all the love i ever received was conditional. people get mad when i do sth wrong, doenst matter if i do it on purpose or not. im the one who always have to give in. meanwhile i have to forgive and forget every shit.
do you know how it is to stand in front of the mirror and saying „i love you“ to yourself and crying? because i lied. i hated myself so much as a teenager. i was so sad and didnt know why. i seeked the fault in myself although it was the whole environment who was putting me down.
i used to wish to go back in time and change that i did say „i love you“ to first love, but now i wish i could change that to i was never born.
**why people get into relationships**
growing up we are told by people, movies, stories etc. how love should be. to find the other half, the one that completes us. we fight, chase, work, forgive blabla.
people don’t know how to live. theyre being told what to do. there is also no right way to live. people also like to tell others how to live. they pressure others to get into relationships because somehow its wrong to be single.
when someone says, he likes me, I feel nothing. that rarely happens bc I make sure people wont fall for me. when I was 13, neighbour asked me out. I said no. he started bullying me. when I was 15-16, like 3 internet creeps asked me, I said no, they got mad, insulted me(saying crap they rich lol) and blocked. the dynamic somehow is guys are “allowed” to get mad.
normal people somehow get interested, get into relationships, hope their feelings grow, stay and wait for someone better to come along or they don’t want to be alone. in your case, maybe gf stayed although she lost the feelings bc she didn’t want to hurt you, hoped feelings would come back. and yes possibly cheated, but wanted to keep you until she couldn’t pretend any longer.
also there is the aspect of benefit. you want something out of a relationship. a rich bf is just so nice. a hot gf is sth to brag about. oh and don’t forget sex -__-
personally for me its about connection. its not worth it for me to be in a relationship when its shallow. I know I could get into relationships and have all the sex I want. but why would I waste my emotions like that?
when I told you about my feelings, it was not to make you want me. you pressured me to say whats up. I didn’t know that you would have problems with knowing.
**the friendship**
when i met you, i was doing really bad. was planning my suicide. first love‘s death month is september. i lost friends who stopped talking when i was doing worse. i dumped 5-6 friends bc i couldnt deal with them anymore. i was always there when they call, but they dont answer or say busy when i needed help. I just have 1-2 friends now.
anyway with you, friendship was kinda different. i was worried to write to you bc i didnt want to bother you, but you said if i felt like it, i could write to you during the day. i didnt need to ask for your attention. you just gave it to me. so many things were just easier with you than with anybody else. i wasnt scared to be judged for who i am. you could make me laugh. we talked about our problems, but not in an annoying way. my friends used to trash me with their problems, over and over again. always same shit. i get tired after talking to someone after 1h mostly, but with you it could have been a whole day and i wouldnt be tired.
when you told me about your mom kicking you out for a night, i asked „why didnt you tell me?“ and you said „where were you(at that time)? i said „in potsdam“ its odd. we both knew we didn’t know each other back then. why didn’t you say “well…we havent met yet, silly”?
I was overwhelmed and panicking at the beginning, bc somehow I was scared it would break. I don’t know why. we got close so fast. I had bad friends, wasnt over it. It was too good to be true maybe?
i know writing this shit is useless, but let me get over this shit my way, ok? i dont know what to do to get over this. i dunno how. somewhere i wish we never got close and just stayed on the server anyhow. talking here there.
our friendship shouldve been what it was at the beginning.
