15.feb

There are no things to be solved

Only sorrows to onion

I didnt know this union

Involved unresolved

Im tryna to let go

When there was nvr anything to hold

We breath, we die

In a way our convos

Keep on going in my head

Only the curiosity once there

Gone

Your laugh, so addicting

Your madness, quite scary

My sadness, hidden

I wish to die

When i got closer

I realize

It is to matter (at last)

I want to pack you in sth really small

So i could hide it in the depths of my soul

Is it bc you became so precious or?

Is it bc you are so hurtin..

I know somewhere, 

Without ever wanting to admit,

I love you.

And that is why i tried so hard

To prevent.

I was truthful

From the start

But i did not help

Bc talking

I really hate talking

Let it all out, you said

Without realizing

Others have ponds

While I, well, I

Have oceans.

Inward we go

Outward 

There‘s no room

I adore you

Like a little pocket

Unseen

We are not meant to be.

And I, in my little voice, say:

Thats not true. Else we would have not met.

It would have been a challenge

But doesnt every challenge come with a reward?

Letting go is hard for me

Bc letting in never happens

The demons left me

When you opened up.

When you left

They came for me…

As if there was no escape

As if your protection was

Just a disguise to be

I once found sth really really great.

And i got so confused.

Like is this too real to be truth?

I wanted to leave

I stayed

So you left

Once this sadness leaves me

You will, for real, leave me

So i ask: what am i holding on?

So I wonder: are all my efforts for nothing?

I mean getting rid of this,

Is there any effort required?

I was naked

For the very first time

Yet you saw me fully clothed.

Why dont you trust me

That i can handle

Dont you trust yourself?

(Not) Meant to be

Is just a way to give sense

Into sth that bears no sense

When in reality..

We just fucking give up.

I know I love

When I dont want to

Bc I want the best

If the best for you

Is to be without me

Then its the best

I cant tell you in words

Its plain platonic

Like vanilla ice cream

But no matter how HARD I say it

You dont believe

Bc your ego,

In your fucking daydreamy ego,

EVERYone, I mean each and every one

Has to want you

And by your side, that is, what im willing to admit.

Id rather be your friend

There was never more that I wanted.

Thats is how far my selfishness can go.

You know and Ive always believed in this

Love is about giving

Demanding to be loved

Is vanity.

And I need to be vain.

I give and give.

I get very little to nothing 

Back

You gave without (me) asking

And that is what I loved 

About you.

We both have some sort of trauma

They manifested one way or 

They fed off each other.

We couldnt talk 

They played with each other

Gotten known too well

It was a bad time

They fought each other

Fed into

Im- to Explosion

Our inner child

Wants to be loved

I thought I found a place to be

Just didnt see the fire raging

Around us, within us, above us

Everywheeere

We‘re burnt, brah

I wonder if I lived in some kinda

Fantasy land that I wanted you to

Believe to trust when we ourselves do

Not trust. I trusted you and wanted

To be trusted bc I wanted to prove

You wrong. In the end you proved

You yourself right. Gratziiiiiii <3

I had doubts at the start

But they werent bc of you

They were bc of past events

So in a way I gave you my doubts

They became yours.

You said you sabotaged

And I thought it was all me

Bc I was suffering.

You said I was suffering bc of you

I said that was not true

Now I see.

You were right.

Partly.

The jokes

I tried to take them

The rejections

I tried to not see them

No, I was not suffering bc of you

I was suffering by your words.

I do not want to be with you

Simply I dont see

Us

I dont see us together

Not in a million, trillion years

But this is not you, its me

I dont see myself with anyone.

I dont wanna.

Besides i dont feel that way

I couldnt/cant see it back then 

Nevuh

I cant want you

Bc I never felt that way. 

The only way I see us

In another reality

In another life

As different people

There are things that drive me crazy about you.

There is just no way.

Can someone just like someone else

And its just friends?

If I can tell you about love

Idk

Love is love.

When I get over someone

I know it‘s not love?

Nah kidding

Dunno what im talking bout

What you saw in me were

Remainder of my younger self

Of all the favors, i asked you. I mean if i have ever asked you to do me a favor. Let him forget me. He wants me to die from this. He wants me to regret this all my life. And thats fine. You dont know how much i tried to forget this to the point i wish i never got close to him. Bc all this pain, its unbearable. Almost 5 fucking months and no matter how hard, whatever i do, its still so painful.

In my sleep, I dreamt you away

When I slept for days, 

Only waking up for a few hours.

You seemed so far away

You were a distant memory

Bc in every waking moment

It was all about you

I thought better sleep

Than to have this pain

But in the end

I was sleeping my life away

Story Time

An internet friend whom I wanted to to learn Swedish friend with invited me to Quicklight. She told me there were Swedish lessons. I found her on Reddit. That was in June. I saw the voice call was active and joined occasionally. I do remember my first time talking. I told you and you were like „aww :D thats poised. He makes ppl talk“

I was quite timid and didnt dare to say much. I remember my encounter with everyone quite well. So I remember you. You were shit talking about Germany in the German Channel. I loved this channel bc i like to speak german. It‘s just fun. Honestly Discord to me was just an elongated forum, where i can get information about the stuff i care about. I joined discord to listen to commands on wow raids. And to hangout with the friends I made from there.

I heard you were quite busy with work. I think I listened to you quite a bit before I reacted. You were saying you were 47, then 22. I claimed „me, too. Im 47“ Back then I didnt know what it was that was bothering me. Now I know. You were faking it. I was bothered that no matter what I said, you wouldnt lose your stance and act happy. 

Then my primal instincts took over and dont ask me why. I just knew you annoyed me so much. So much that I went thru all your socials once to find stuff to hurt you. You were hitting on me and I think I made it shown that I didnt like it. I was hating this behaviour on myself, tried to talk less, but when i heard you, i couldnt help it. I dont remember anything I ever said to you. The closest what i can remember was that i said sth really bad, was shocked by myself that it left my mouth, was scared of your reaction and you just laughed. 

And no, i didnt have anything against you. I thought you were great. Wanted to ask you to help me learn graphic design. Wanted to get to know you, like all the others. I didnt know i was into you, but apparently I had to get your attention anyhow.

When I look thru our chat log, it‘s more than apparent sth was bothering me, but i couldnt talk about it. I didnt even know it myself. 

The drama with the others was quite taxing. I know robberts version, their version blabla etc and when flaaffy deleted the server, i was done. Really done. Poised and the moderators were changing so much, delete this, delete that. I just wanted to be on there and enjoy talking. Server split up n shit. 

It was you who invited me to the replacement server. I was hesistant to join. I feared that drama would continue. But i joined. And it was a mistake.

Bc look i would do anything to turn time back and reverse what we had bc its so painful. Still is so painful. 

We continued that weird ass quarrel. I went on Bremen project. It was a shitty and good time. I talked to people. I told you I was drunk. Dont even know why. You were somehow texting me and I answered. Didnt you get that i wrote disgustingly to you bc i didnt want to talk to you? There was sth that was bothering me and I wanted it gone. When you wrote sth sexual, it pissed me off. It weirded me out. Like i was really trying to be normal to you dude and then you throw in random shit. 

I really tried to be normal, really. Then I must have thought „fuck it“ and played along.

Somewhere im at fault bc why, just why?

Unfortunately I gave you the wrong impression of a project. I thought youd like it if i presented it to you as if it was a fuckfest. I told you they were playing truth or dare. People hitting on each other. People having sex in kitchen. (The only reason i witnessed was bc trains were having a strike and i was too nervous to sleep, so i stayed awake the whole night) The truth is that is what annoys me most about these projects. When we introduced ourselves, I told the others to be mindful, we are here to get to know each other and best not to be romantically involved. Still happened. 

Mistake to write to you during project. Bothered you with useless shit

I havent told anyone before while things are happening. I keep stuff to myself. You know, you were there and why not just write stuff that are meaningless bc you were meaningless. And piss you off with ex. Im not proud, but literally i didnt know what i was doing. It annoyed me, but i didnt want to think about it and cared enough to figure it out. 

I can be so mindlessly mean. 

Then i just got so agitated. So agitated that it turned into horniness. I didnt get it at all. And i tried to masturbate, but it freaked me out.

You kinda had enough, said we needed to talk, we talked.

And it was overwhelmingly surprising. I dont remember what exactly what was said. I was astonished who you really were. Like this annoying maddafakka was a gentle soul that had problems similar to mine. I was so bluntly honest like never ever. I dont, J. I really dont remember what we talked about. I wished I did. I just know how happy I was. Finally I found someone who gets me. Someone who cares although my life is shit. 

And yeah was mistake telling you. You said „thx for telling“ several times while i was just panicking how to get rid of this. I SAID „im horny“ and not „pls fuck me“ bc what follows is a big mistake that essentially destroyed everything what we could have had. 

Before i was horny, after that i wanted to fuck you. Its on me bc i havent properly explored my sexuality, else this would have never happened. I was never this horny and i didnt get why. You were pushing me. I gave you many reasons. I resisted. Its like you wanted to win over me. 

I wrote you a letter and i sent it. Your reaction was bad. It made me not want to talk to you.

And yeah mistake to send it. I should have masturbated in secret and never talk about it again. 

Then I had heart pain. Thought i was in love, but really all i could say was „i had feelings“ and feelings could be anything. You didnt take me serious. Asked „hooooow?? Whyyyy“ made me feel stupid. Like i was feeling stupid myself, dont need you to tell me, thx. 

Again mistake telling you bc you couldnt handle knowing. 

I decided to stay

Another stupid mistake. I didnt listen to myself. 

I tried to be ok. Figure it out. Wanted to flee bc i didnt want to handle feelings. Found retard project in berlin. 

Yet again stupid mistake xD i make awesome decisions when im unhinged. Should have searched for a job and start working immediately. 

Somehow before i left we had a talk deep into the night although i had to pack. Drove to berlin very tiredly, almost had accident. I really hate driving car. 

I dunno when before or after, but I somehow questioned our friendship. You said you needed to treat me better or sth. Made me feel so bad. I made you so upset, like why is she like this? I must have made you feeling so low or sth. It wasnt about you. I had bad friendships and somehow was so scared.

Mistake again. I didnt want to make you feel bad. 

Berlin project was shit, but whatever. I left your server. You said sth that infuriated me. We somehow fought. I said „you treat me like a dog“ got you so mad and i couldnt tell you what was up. Gave you excuses bc i didnt want to get you madder. 

Mistake bc yeah bc instead of blowing up at you. I should have just let it be. Just let it be. Stop talking to you and tell you later. Handle it better. 

Heartache decreased over time. I was busy. After project i met up with friends, then drove home. Came home to you telling me how much you wanted me to die :‘)

Alright bc i should have just ignored it. Just let it be

Then talked to you midnight till 2 am

Woho bc why did i even want to talk to you?

You said sth very nice. So nice i wanted to pass bc my reaction would have melted you instantly to goo…so i said „im really antsy. I need to go to fap“ you didnt want to let it slide and asked „sweety, are you crayon?

Like fucking srsly. You said few mins before you had lack of sleep. You cant think straight. Thats one of the fucking reasons i wanted to leave. I also wanted to leave coz i had no idea what was going on with me. I just knew i didnt want to get mad. I didnt know how to react. 

I did not want to acknowledge anything. Said i just wanted to sleep, kept the act up. But really i was just soooooo annoyed and reacted harhsly bc i came home from a shit show of a project and couldnt hold my temper. Had nothing to do with you

Few h later i somehow woke up. At 6 fucking am. I slept like 2 h. I slept on the sofa that was so fucking uncomfy. I was half asleep when i read your text. Started to cry. Like i didnt cry enough the past days bc of shit project. 

You accused me of shit.

I was ready to let you go.

You changed your mind.

You fucked with my mind by ok honey we all good now <3

Then you fucked me all over again and blamed again you didnt want this that as if it was ALL i ever wanted.

Then i said ok fine, good life.

Then you fuck again. Block and all.

If you had just left out the last part, nothing further would have happened. Bc this severely fucked with my brain. Even if you ghosted me, thatd be 10000000000x nicer.

Yeah i cant say i could have had done anything diff here. I was having a nervous breakdown. I had no control. And sure you had no control, too. But dude, I was the one with feelings. I was the one who would get hurt the most…