O7.nov leaving this message that you might or might not read, I can move on like this. you don’t want to talk and im sorry I pressured bc I let my traumas and fears get the better of me. here and now im honest and real bc I cant deal with this shit. resentment, hate and blame. this is not for me. I cant keep what I want to tell you in me any longer.
letting you go is hard. we became so close and it was too much for me. I feared I was annoying and clingy. I told you my worries and you calmed me down. even though the confusion of feelings made me so anxious and my emotions so unhinged, I wanted to give this friendship a try. I was so scared, but I told myself to see where this is going. I was brave for once. I never took you for granted. those days when I woke up, I felt happier and knew there was someone out there who cared. I fell asleep more easily and looked brighter at the future. the world, which looked so grey in my eyes, started to become colorful. whenever I got a message from you, I never expected that. those were nice little surprises. you made me laugh and I lived in the moment. I don’t talk to anyone on a daily basis, but with you.
lets start from the end. I wrote to gino to understand you better. I didn’t speak ill of you. he suggested to be the message bearer, I did not ask him. he even said he didn’t mind to get blocked. he gave me the idea to write you sth. i barely slept for 2-3 days, no food and spent the waking hours crying? I am dumb, ok? it was a mistake and im sorry I messaged him. what did you expect? just take it and be ok? you yelled at me, accusing me of things and blamed it all on me.
you said “I sabotaged our friendship. I feel like I cant be your friend bc you would use things against me.” I had a meltdown, hence the whys. you wanted to end it and I said ok and wished you farewell. that could have been the end and I already was very devastated. but you had to add “I tried” U really tried what? why did you have to make me feel it was my fault? if you had done this to a stable person, that would be ok, but you fucking knew about my issues. abandonment issues, anxiety, shit people shitting on me, betrayal all… you fucked with my brain and the message afterwards I wrote. I sound so delusional in there. you couldn’t have gone in a worse way. how could I ever be mad that you want to leave the friendship when you're unhappy? id be sadder if I was the source of your sadness and a burden.
there I was thinking it was all my fault and ofc I noticed you were treating me differently and I wondered why. I changed my behavior around you, too. I tried to not say things that might upset you or make you think I was flirting. I didn’t dare to speak up bc I didn’t want to fight. as much as I wished I had stopped when you wrote “we settled” I couldn’t. I lost my temper. it hurt me so deeply that you voiced out you couldn’t trust me. I gave everything I could to be a good friend.
anyway ive realized that you were honest. see, the thing is all my life ive been blamed, put down and accused of things. you made me feel I was in the wrong, so when you wrote “I sabotaged” I lost it. you admitted, but nobody in my life has ever admitted to do me wrong. and your “I tried” really broke my brain, but I see now that you really mean it that you’ve tried with me. you wanted to be my friend.
It was a big step of you to admit your bullshit and wanted to continue and fix.
how would you know how my life was? what traumas the situation with you caused? you don’t bc I didn’t talk much. I cried at 9 and 10 years old bc I realized I was unhappy, at 12 I wanted to kill myself and fantasized that I must be adopted bc my “real” parents loved me, 12-16 I couldn’t cry, at 15 I dreamt of going to a foreign country and just die and nobody would know, I just didn’t want to exist. nobody ever loved me and I felt so lonely. all my life I did what others told me, but nobody was ever satisfied with me. I was hit regularly at the age of 3-4 onwards and the reason? I don’t know. one wrong word or face expression and I was doomed. I wasn’t even allowed to cry or else. they never believed in me, only control. I was a free house maid and worker at the restaurant for my parents, wanted to move out at 20, but nope. they fucking forced me to change my name from “yvonne truong” to ”nhu-uyen nguyen” at the age of 16. do you see how fkd up my name is? my first and last name is almost the same and nobody can pronounce it right. there is a lot more and other aspects of my life, like my friends and school were also bullies. I had a horrible past and really I don’t know a year, in which I was happy. makes me want to die when I think of all this and I wont write more about this.
so when I read your words, that’s why I lost it. it was trauma flooding in and my brain couldn’t process it that it was something positive that you wrote “I sabotaged”. I was panicking and couldn’t stop. its bad it went that way.
when we had the big talk and opened up, I felt so happy. like as if living up until this point was worth it because I found someone I could trust, accept and understand me. I admired that you kept a positive attitude despite horrible experiences. You made me stop thinking about the past that was haunting me for so long and prevented me from living. You gave me hope. we had a connection.
how would you know how my life was? what traumas the situation with you caused? you don’t bc I didn’t talk much. I cried at 9 and 10 years old bc I realized I was unhappy, at 12 I wanted to kill myself and fantasized that I must be adopted bc my “real” parents loved me, 12-16 I couldn’t cry, at 15 I dreamt of going to a foreign country and just die and nobody would know, I just didn’t want to exist. nobody ever loved me and I felt so lonely. all my life I did what others told me, but nobody was ever satisfied with me. I was hit regularly at the age of 3-4 onwards and the reason? I don’t know. one wrong word or face expression and I was doomed. I wasn’t even allowed to cry or else. they never believed in me, only control. I was a free house maid and worker at the restaurant for my parents, wanted to move out at 20, but nope. they fucking forced me to change my name from “yvonne truong” to ”nhu-uyen nguyen” at the age of 16. do you see how fkd up my name is? my first and last name is almost the same and nobody can pronounce it right. there is a lot more and other aspects of my life, like my friends and school were also bullies. I had a horrible past and really I don’t know a year, in which I was happy. makes me want to die when I think of all this and I wont write more about this.
so when I read your words, that’s why I lost it. it was trauma flooding in and my brain couldn’t process it that it was something positive that you wrote “I sabotaged”. I was panicking and couldn’t stop. its bad it went that way.
when we had the big talk and opened up, I felt so happy. like as if living up until this point was worth it because I found someone I could trust, accept and understand me. I admired that you kept a positive attitude despite horrible experiences. You made me stop thinking about the past that was haunting me for so long and prevented me from living. You gave me hope. we had a connection.
it didn’t start bad, just different. I didn’t know what I was doing when we were messing around. I was reckless. I apologize for that. I didn’t know I was somehow attracted to you. you were right that I lowkey wanted to bang you. then it was too late, suddenly I was horny and freaking out. was weird. I was horny for 4-5 days straight and nothing I did made it go down.
you wanted to help me masturbate and then you shot it down. I was so ashamed and suppressed it, something I never had before and was immensely huge. that caused me physical and psychological problems which made me think I had feelings and I was so confused. I stopped eating and felt numb. that was not good. we didn’t need to have sex, but I had to get the tension out. I took the tension in and my emotions got so loose. such turmoil. I told you that thinking that I couldn’t be with you hurt, only that. I didn’t want to be with you. it wasn’t a crush either. it was closer to love and at that time, I didn’t know what it was, but I see now it was platonic love. do you wanna know how I deal with emotions? I don’t, I suppress them. I had to. all my life. so this time it came double triple whatever times back and a big sword thrusted in my heart. it was excruciating pain.
despite this, I chose you over the feelings bc I value you more than whatever that was. I wanted to stop talking to you. surprisingly by talking to you the pain went down to 20%. so when I didn’t think of it, I hardly felt it. I didn’t know how uncomfortable I would make you by telling you. honestly I don’t know why it bothered you so much bc all you could do for me was to tell how you felt. you pressured me to get over you quick. I was never really ready to talk about it and every time you somehow brought it up, it felt like you were tearing my heart open. when I knew I was over you, a week before we stopped talking, I really wanted to say something, but the timing never seemed right.
I was relieved when I figured it out, like after 2-3 weeks after nonstop crying, I figured out why. I was somehow glad and stopped being mad at you and myself. I saw that what happened wouldn’t have happened if only I had masturbated. the solution was so easy and yet so crucial.
another trauma I have is my first love. this story is sad. when I fell for him, I didn’t tell him. I was scared he would end the friendship. anyhow a year later he noticed and he did ask “do you love me”, I didn’t answer.the truth is I never confessed my love to him.He just knew.I told you, we had lots of issues. I couldn’t communicate well with him. in the end we fought very badly that I refused to talk to him. I just was so fed up and mad. I chose to forget him, but I lived a bitter life. Do I need to add that there were so many times i almost wrote him? when I knew he was dead (like literally fucking knew coz I felt it when he died), my emotions became kinda loose and I felt lost. when I knew for sure, everything crashed down on me. when I knew how he died…I mean the madafaka really thought getting hit by the train was a very smart idea, wuteva. I don’t mind that he is dead. I just wished we had the chance to talk. this is what I regret the most. we just needed to talk and all would be better. only after he died, I could admit what I really felt and id do anything to talk to him bc I can talk to him now all I want, but I never know if he hears me. so when you left, it kinda felt something was repeating itself. I wanted to part on good terms bc I couldn’t stand that I don’t get to tell you how much you mean to me. I wanted to clear things and have closure, but its fine.
and seriously I tried to hate you, resent you, pretend this never happened, everything, but im not that person. I made your voice go “stfu get over it, this is nothing haha” im just sad how it went. it didn’t need to be like this, but circumstances happened. our friendship was supposed to be how it was at the beginning.
I imagined future that we learn, help each other, become the best versions of ourselves and just enjoy life. I wanted to read books with you, explore topics, self development, travel and lots of laughter. I thought we could be like brother and sister, a family that I never had.
just so you know, you think im complicated, but im not. I guess you never realized I have a logical mind.
you can put all the blame on me and think im the worst person, but really I was always honest and all ive ever said to you and saying now, it never had the intention to hurt you. you somehow get offended so easily. I did my best and was understanding. Ive told you things ive never told anyone before. I don’t blame myself for being wrong bc I believed in friendship.
I saw a good heart in you. and I seldomly see it in anyone.
you showed me compassion and were there for me. Clearly what you did was wrong and stop with your excuses. You didnt communicate well and neither did I.
anyway need to end this long ass shit show. listen, don’t write me if you feel pity or obligation. if you are sorry, send it over via thought, it will eventually reach me. its really pointless to talk to me if you don’t want to. I do think some things are mendable if people are willing to do so. I promise I will get better. getting over this, idk, doesn’t matter. I have a hole in my heart. and I hate how much it affects me. like really nobody ever gets important to me. sometimes I do wish we never happened, but at the same time I was so happy for real and I don’t want to tell myself it was nothing. maybe I should have told you more often how happy you made me, but I was scared youd think I was hitting on you. I don’t feel that way. I appreciate you and you will always mean something to me.
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