The beginning and the signs

We were online friends for some years and one day we decided to meet up. He came to germany before xmas 2016. I just started studying near Frankfurt. I didnt expect to get together with him, but honestly…nah not in the mood to write a nice love story. Anyway we got together and started a relationship. I was crushing very hard. I liked him a lot, said “i love you” two times by accident in the first year. He didnt react. I was embarassed and never said it again. (So i did love him, but was never able to fully) month 3 into the relationship, he broke a promise and i broke up, then took him back bc you know i thought i couldnt let him go bc i should accept his decision. But he fucking damn repeated breaking promises, not only again but again and again. He promises and then takes it back when it doesnt suit him. Why? Bc work is his top priority. Month 8 was his best friend’s wedding. I hinted a few times to him to tell his friend he got a gf. (Ofc in hope i might get invited) He never did. I tried to be ok to not go to the wedding but few days before i told him that i was not ok with it. What did he do? Accused me of wanting to steal the spotlight of the bride and that it was wrong to invite myself in. Like he thought that low of me. Stealing someone’s day to shine and so ruthless. I wanted to prevent of him saying that. I cried. I mean isnt that normal to bring your partner to a wedding? 

And he didnt tell his parents he had a gf. They knew he was visiting someone several times and asked him about it. Month 6 i was in england and he went to visit his parents. He made me stay one night in a hostel in london instead of letting me stay at his place or tag along. His reason “all my relatives are there. Its not the right time. You will be overwhelmed” i just accepted this instead of fighting. 

If he had a normal girl, she would have broken up with him long time ago. All this bullshit and i was so dumb back then. So anyway xmas was not with his family coz same reason as before, i came 1 day after. He whined that i invited myself in. Made me feel ashamed. But srsly why wouldnt he introduce me to them? He wanted to wait for the right time, but when would that be? After the visit he complained to me that his family thought i was quiet and they were worried. It got me mad. Bc he fucking made me feel sth was wrong with me and that i talked lots of crap, so i was so scared to say something wrong, so i talked little. Fucking brick. 

Do you see now why i shouldnt be in a relationship? Im a fucking pushover all my life.

I dont know whats wrong with him. He had some weird fears and issues. He didnt trust me. He complained a lot. He was always so grumpy and negative. He said dont lie when i said he was handsome. He had gotten better over the years and his next gf will have it so much easier than me. Somewhere he sees what he did wrong, but i wished when i uttered my discomfort, he would have done sth about it instead of shoving it to the side. He admits that im mostly right but he still fights me. Then why you fight me, dude? 

It felt so right when we got together but slowly turned so wrong. He was unhappy with me from the start. Coz you know i tend to be goofy and retarted. Just joking around doing silly things. I changed my behaviour for him. Here a cringe story. When we were walking in the town at night holding hands, i turned around to kiss him, then walked, then turned to kiss again, then again and again. Then he got pissed. I guess this was annoying, but i just felt like doing so. 

When i cooked food for him to bring to work, he said no thx. Coz im dumb and stubborn, i did it few more times and each time he turned it down. Really wished he just took it with him and threw it in the trash. I just really wanted to do something nice for him, but yeah he didnt want this which i should have respected. This is a disastrous relationship. It was working bc i made it work. 

We were just too different people, i guess. We did have good times and all. Not going into that, not in the mood. Im processing it. I do miss him and wish things went differently. I was devastated when i ended it bc my future plans with him ended too. I didnt see the bad things back then, but they slowly creep in and then you know you did the right thing when you ended them.

Like each time he got a hair cut, i was pissed. I told him i hated his hair cut. He never bothered to get another one. He said he wanted this one coz it was low maintenance and practical. Doesnt he want to look good for me?